Rainy Day...

My morning began at 6am. I woke up to check on Gracie - peeked out the window and she was on the back patio just pacing around....then she'd pick up her ball or bone, chew on them for a second, then go back and lie down at the back door. I have been told, though, that she has officially gotten inside her dog house - woo! Now she knows where to go to sleep.

After checking on Gracie, I debated on just getting up or going back to sleep for another hour or so. Well, I opted for sleep, but I just couldn't sleep. Ayden was racing through my mind; I couldn't shake it nor did I want to. He is in my mind for a majority of each day, and I do all that I can to take it all in and commit it to memory. Today, I searched my memories for his sounds - his cry, his coos, and his laugh. They're all still fresh in my mind, thank God. I don't have his cry on video, so I know that one will fade....but I will never forget the pre-meltdown face: Eyes get big and wet, frowny face begins, then.....the lip. Let the crying begin! Precious....

Needless to say, this bombardment of memories led to a cry-fest. It felt good to let it all out, but as I've said in previous posts, these moments (while relieving in the end) are hard to experience. They are painful and deep. And they don't just happen and then end. This one lasted for about an hour, which is the norm. Most of the time, I have my sobbing sessions while I'm blogging. Right now, though, is a rare moment. I'm writing without tears. But I'll admit - I got them all out earlier when I just broke down and let go of everything I had been holding all day.

We made it to Boone this afternoon. Driving through Wilkesboro, where we used to live, it was as if time had stood still. Everything, with the exception of some things, looked exactly the same! Boone....very similar as well. I love Boone. I have never managed to find much to do, but I just love being up here. In any other situation, I would be all about being here...wanting to drive around...check stuff out. Honestly, for this trip, I'd much rather just stay in the cabin the whole time.

I had a huge lump in my throat all the way up here. The farther we got from Greenville, the bigger the lump got. I associate comfort and control with my house. Going out of town means I'm no longer in control; I no longer have refuge; I'm not "safe" within the comforts of my home. Plus, being away from my house feels like being away from Ayden - just like when I'd leave him for a few hours and get incredibly nervous and NEED to get back to him. Although he isn't here anymore, I associate our house with him and the comfort he brought me. Being away from that causes my anxiety levels to boost.

I was doing pretty well until we passed a Red Robin near Alamance. We ate at that Red Robin when Ayden was 2 months old. We had been up to Bryson City and stopped here on our way back down. I remember it so vividly because Ayden unloaded surprises on us. He hadn't pooped in 2 days, so I knew we were in for it at some point. Took him in to change him....nothing. I couldn't believe. Well, I guess Ayden couldn't either, so he decided that then was the time for poop. I had gone in alone with one diaper, a pack of almost-empty wipes, and no clothes to change him into. Was I underprepared? YES! I got the new diaper under him and he decided he wasn't done pooping....all the wipes were gone....and he had gotten everything all over his clothes. Then, if that wasn't enough, the flushing of the toilets scared him so badly that he was screaming! Fun times... It gets better. We go to sit down, I feed Ayden, after feeding him....spews it all back up, all over himself and me. So, as I sit in shock, I decide we've made a bad choice coming here. So, Ayden and I go out to the car to, yet again, change clothes. By this point, he's had enough. He's screaming and crying, unable to be comforted. I'm near tears because I'm so frustrated and people are more interested in making sure I eat when I know I just need to hold my baby and calm him down. So, I did. I'm good at that. :)

Anyway, just seeing that one Red Robin brought that whole flashback to my mind and the lump grew larger. We got to Boone, checked out the house we're staying in, then went to meet Chris and Carolyn and their kids at the Christian bookstore. I was feeling so many things at one time - discomfort, anxiety, isolation (it just hits sometimes), awkwardness because...what do you say?, and through all of this, I was just trying not to break down and cry. I had to keep moving while we were in the store (sorry Carolyn - I wasn't a good shopping buddy), because if I got still too long, I knew I would lose it and not be able to compose myself.

Afterwards, we went to eat. That was fun. Just caught up on the past year or so, looked at pictures, and enjoyed the company of a 3 and 6 year old. Always entertaining. After eating, we just came back to the house and sat around. I got a chance to talk with Carolyn for a little while. I always enjoy our conversations. The 4 of us met through mutual friends when Jeremy and I lived up here. Upon first meeting them, I knew we'd all be friends for a long time. That instant connection. We love them so much. Jeremy and Chris played with the boys while Carolyn and I talked/reclined on the big comfy couch. I introduced her to iCarly and she enjoyed it. :)

As they were leaving, we had an interesting occurence. Long story short: they parked their van at the bottom of the hill because we were afraid it might not make it up the mountain. So, we all piled into our car. Let the record show that I did not believe, nor did Carolyn, we were leaving it in the best of places! Well, when we went to drop them at their car, these men came up telling Chris that they didn't like people to park there because it messes up the grass. Ok...fine. They all get in the van, then the guys come out again and tell him that two of his tires looked low. (Suspicious....) So, indeed, two of the tires were low.....because the air had been let out!! Gosh... So, Chris had to put air back in his tires before they could leave. (Sorry about that guys! Next time I will speak for my women's intuition!)

My goal is to make it through tomorrow. We are supposed to be here until Monday, but Jeremy has promised that if at any time I feel like I need to go home, we will go. (Thanks Jerms) I'm doing okay so far. I just need to get the cry out when I feel it instead of hanging on and on to it. Sometimes, though, that is a lot easier said than done. I'm very private about giving in. It can't be just anywhere.....I have to be comfortable and confident enough to let it all out.

The hardest part has been the realization that we are on a "vacation" without Ayden. Meeting Jeremy's parents for breakfast this morning almost killed me (they would have never known, but I was fighting emotions the entire time) because all I kept thinking was, "He should be here with us. We should have him with us. I should be holding him and kissing him right now." Fruitless thoughts that lead to helpless feelings. Those are the moments that cause the meltdowns.

Well, my ambien is telling me it is bed time. So, I guess I'll try to get some rest. Have a good night.

No comments:

Post a Comment