Missing his face...

Ayden is on my mind every minute of every day. That was the case the day I found out I was pregnant and didn't even know if we were having a boy or girl - I was dreaming of little Ayden Brooks or Olivia Kate, though....his name was his long before we knew he was really a HE. That will be the case for the rest of my life - he will forever be in my thoughts. Today, I saw his face...just continued to see that precious face all day. Depending on the day, I can have such thoughts and be fine and other days, it breaks me down. Today was an in-between day. I was okay for much of the day and then later, I just couldn't take it anymore....I had to give in. I just miss him so much, and I know that I will miss him for the rest of my life. No one should ever have to suffer through the loss of a child...it should never, ever happen. This is my biggest fear realized. I remember when we found out I was pregnant, I was excited, yet terrified. What if this baby was taken from me? What if there were complications? What if something unimaginably horrible happened? Then, when he was born - the same feelings. By the time he was three months old, my fears had begun to wear off. However, I continued to mentally prepare myself for some reason....just in case. I prayed over him every night, and always included in my prayers was me telling God that if His will was for Ayden to no longer be with us here, I knew I would have to accept it and praise him through it. I never imagined I'd actually be living that prayer.

Today, my mom, sister and I ran some errands. I dread Target but had to go, so we went there and made it out quickly, then went to Hallmark, Barnes and Noble, Lowes (for the 20th time), and then went out to Ayden's garden. We finished the border around the garden today (I promise I will post pictures soon), and we have added a butterfly house, bird house, and a few more plants. I appreciate our church allowing us to do this inside the playground. I want the children to enjoy it - I hope they will.

Once we got home, we worked on a little project. My mom dried out a lot of the flowers from Ayden's service, and I had wanted to use some of them for a shadow box. I'm not patient with projects. If they can't be done quickly, I don't want to do them. I'm still planning to make a quilt....I'll have to gear up for that one. Well, doing this project today was hard - not in task, but in implementation. All I could think was....these are flowers from my son's funeral. My son's funeral.....son's funeral.....every time I thought it, it just ached. Every petal of every flower became precious at that moment. Every flower is a remembrance of him.... Well, dried flowers are going to be fragile and petals will fall off. I held each one with precise care, trying to make sure they stayed in tact. Needless to say, some of the petals came off in the process and my reaction was one of agitation and frustration. It had to be perfect - if it wasn't perfect (in my mind) I wasn't honoring his memory. I didn't want to be making a shadow box of flowers from my son's funeral. I should have been holding him....playing with him...showing him flowers outside... I stuck with it and finished the box; it looks really pretty. However, I quickly realized that if the simple task of arranging flowers for a shadow box sets me off so easily, I have a long way to go. I know that, and have known that, but I actually SAW it today.

This sucks.

I got two books in the mail today from a new friend, Kelley. She is a fellow mother-to-an-angel who has been such a comfort. I'm really looking forward to reading the books. I've read the beginnings of both and have already seen that I will find comfort in them. Although it's awful that any parent has to live such a tragedy, I'm so thankful to have families/mothers that I can go to and lean on. Thank you Kelley!

Another friend, Jennifer, started a blog today. In today's blog, she has included a letter she wrote to me. I hope she doesn't mind that I've shared it (she asked my permission to share it, so I guess it's ok!). It is very thought-provoking and allowed me to see a little light through all of this. Please, please read it. It's not short, but if it takes you coming back for bits and pieces do so. It's worth the read.

Thank you all for continuing to pray for us. Please also keep another family here in Greenvile in your prayers. They lost their infant son this past weekend, and their son has been placed next to Ayden. Our hearts broke all over again for them....