5 Months Old

Ayden would have been 5 months old today. Has it really been a month? A whole month? It truly feels like yesterday - I guess because I re-live that day every day. The hurt is the same today as it was that day. It's relentless....

Some parents who have lost children have shared a lot with me. One thing that they said was hard was the milestones...like today. I can't say I never pictured Ayden at 6 months, a year, 2 years, but that was never in the front of my mind. I always lived in the moment with Ayden - I relished every second with him. I took it all in and cherished it. I'm thankful every day for that. It was very common for me to pass up going out with friends or going to visit our family because I knew it would take away from my time with Ayden. Selfishlessly (and it's the okay form of selfishness), I wanted to spend every second I could with him....just me and him. And I wanted Jeremy to get as much time with him as possible. Since Jeremy coaches, he wouldn't get home until later, so he only got about 3 hours with him every day. So, I would keep him to myself and Jeremy. I used to wonder if it was bad that I did that because I knew I needed to get out and socialize, but now - I wouldn't trade it for the world. I can't say I never got frustrated. I did, and I regret that. But I also know it's human. I only remember getting frustrated twice, and each time....I was so mad at myself for getting frustrated with him. Because it wasn't him....he couldn't help it. Like I said, though, it's human, and he never loved me less for it. Thank you, God, for unconditional love....the love my child gave me and continues to give me. I ache to give him that love....the absence of that connection is what hurts most.

A few people have asked if I wrote the "wishlist" in my previous post. Although I can't take credit, I can tell you that it is exactly how I feel right now. Every word of it - I have thought it at some point or another. It relates too well with what we are going through and the "wishes" we have. Thanks, Kelley, for sending that. It seems to have helped a lot of people understand what we are feeling and how we need them to communicate with us.

I hope you all have had a good Sunday so far. Enjoy time with friends and family, and thank God every day for the time you have with them.


  1. Hey Lindsay. I just love stopping by to read your blog. You write so much and so often it's hard for me to keep up sometimes! But don't stop! I hope you and Jeremy have a restful Sunday.

    I also wanted to let yall know that we live about 15 minutes from that Red Robin you mentioned a few posts back. If you're ever driving through and want some company for dinner, just let us know! Of course... we can go some place other than RR...

    We are continuing to pray for you daily.

  2. Happy (five month) Birthday, Ayden, your smiles live on in our hearts, and you live with Jesus, the most wonderful man who walked the earth.

  3. I know your little guy is looking down on you today and smiling.I would love to see more pictures of sweet little Ayden. God Bless.

  4. Lindsay,

    I am so thankful that you sharing....I said it before and I will say it again - you are teaching us.

    I am reading a book called "a sacred sorrow". The foreword is by Eugene Peterson - author of the Message. I copied these words from the foreword. and shared them often. God continues to mold me through my suffering and open my eyes to others. Sometimes I don't know what to say - but know that every single day you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully we can see each face to face soon.

    I love you.

    "it is also necessary as a witness, a Jesus witness to the men and women who are trying to live a life that avoid suffering at all costs, included in the cost of their own souls. For at least one reason why people aren't comfortable with tears and the sight of suffering is that it is a blasphemous assault on their precariously maintained American spirituality of the pursuit of happiness. They want to avoid evidence that things are not right with the world as it is-without Jesus ( and Job, David, and Jeremiah), without love, without faith, without sacrifice. It is a lot easier to keep the American faith if they don't have to look into the face of suffering, if they don't have to listen to our laments, if they don't have to deal with our tears."

  5. Dear Lindsay,
    I know how hard these mile stones are to reach. I just finished decorating for Halloween. Another one of my mile stones.....I miss my little Man. I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I read your blog everyday to see how you are doing. I want to help other people while they are grieving but, sometimes all I can think of is my own grief. When your grieving you just want people to be quite and listen to you! My heart breaks a little more each time I hear of one more family going through this heart ache. Heavenly Father is proud of you, he is aware of you and your needs and he loves you. I will continue to have you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love a fellow SIDS angel Mommy,

  6. "God knows the sorrow of a grave. He buried his son. But he also knows the joy of resurrection. And, by his power, you will too."
    Max Lucado, "Facing Your Giants"

    Happy Birthday, Ayden.

  7. I was very selfish with Grayson too, and thankful as well. I am so glad you chose to stay with Ayden instead of going out with friends or anything else! Ayden knows nothing but pure love!!!
    Thinking of you tons - Kelley

  8. Lindsey, you are so much like me. I stay home with my son rather then going out with friends all the time. Sometimes they get on me for not doing more but there is no where else I'd rather be then making precious memories with my baby. After reading your blog, I am so glad that I do this.