Life without him...

This may not be the most uplifting post, but it's what has been going through my mind today. Every step I've taken over the past month has been a forced step towards a "normal" I didn't ask for. A "normal" I never wanted. A "normal" I never imagined for myself. One month ago today, my life was perfect. One month ago tomorrow, my life was shattered.

"Life" is not life to me anymore. This life is not the life I want.... I want my next life, now. I want to be with my little boy. Why can't I be with my little boy? The little boy that brought ultimate joy to my heart. The little boy who could melt me with just one glance. The little boy who grew inside me; I knew every kick, every swoosh of his hand, every wiggle when I tickled him. I knew him before he was born. I knew exactly what he needed at any given moment. I knew how to hold him, comfort him, soothe him, make him smile, make him laugh, just..make him happy. He was so happy! I just want my son. But I can't have him. I've never dealt well with being told I couldn't do something or have something....I always pushed myself to prove the world wrong. Now, I have to live with the fact that I CAN'T have my little boy back....and that realization devastates me.

Why do I have to watch others around me live the life I wanted for myself...the life I had but had to watch slip away...? I don't understand. I know one day I will, but not right now....not for a long time.

Life with Ayden was perfect, but life without him....

...hurts.

It's a sting like nothing else I've felt before. It's a pain in my chest that is not a physical pain, but my heart which is broken beyond repair. I gave my whole heart to loving my son, and it was ripped apart by his loss.

Life with Ayden was colorful and vivid - I saw everything in a way I never had before...

...now, life is tainted...and dark.

I have experienced loss before with my godfather, grandfather, and Jeremy's grandfathers. But that was nothing like this. Sadly, I can say that the loss of our parents probably won't be as hard as this....what could ever be harder than this?

Life with Ayden was filled with pure joy. Life without him....

....is just motions.

I live each day because I'm forced to. I get up each day because I have to. I don't move because I want to - it's because I have to. I know I have to in order to heal, but I don't want to. People ask all the time what it is that I need....what it is that I want that they can do for me. You can't give me what I need because what I need can't come back to me.

Life with Ayden was the happiest life I ever had. I know I can be happy again and that our future children will bring that joy back. But until they're here, I'm stuck. waiting. crying. screaming. forced to move. waking each morning to remind myself he's not here. re-living my perfect life in my head each day, wondering why it had to end.....wondering how I'm supposed to just accept it and move on.

There are times each day when I smile, laugh, and actually enjoy doing something. But every day, I have moments like this. Those are the quiet moments when I go within myself, and I have to be left alone. That's when the true grief sets in.

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Stupid Adam and Eve....screwed it up for all of us. Had to go and eat the fruit.... Nancy Reagan should have been in Eden to say, "Just say no." (I know that little bit of humor was random and probably seemed inappropriate, but it just popped into my head and made me smile a little....I guess God decided to relieve me for a second.)
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I've been told there's not "magic date" for when all of this will get better. I have, however, been told it will get easier. I guess it's normal to fear the day that it gets easier - to feel guilty about it even. But I know Ayden will never be forgotten - never. And I know that while life with him here is no more, I will have life with him for eternity. I will have my precious little boy forever. That alone is worth living for. That alone is what forces me to make it through each day.

Ayden fulfilled his purpose, and what a purpose it was. He touched my life like no one, or nothing else, ever will. He made me a mother - what a gift. He fulfilled the dream I've had for my life since I was a little girl. I always prayed to God to let me live long enough to get married and experience the birth of my own child. He answered those prayers. And while I never saw this in my "great plan", God did, and He, unbeknowst to me, has been preparing me for this. I don't like it, but I don't really have a say do I? That's been made clear....

I could feel this coming all day long. I had held it back because I wanted to experience it alone. I can't fully give in unless I'm alone. I guess I'm not alone, though, am I? I just shared it with thousands of people - people who I know are praying and thinking of us. I know many of you have no idea what to say to us....you don't feel as if you can say anything to comfort us. Honestly, you probably can't. But please try. We know where your hearts are. And if you don't know what to say, just let us know you're praying for us. This kind of thing can leave a person feeling isolated and so very alone. I've been there....even though I haven't been left alone since it all happened....but I've had moments when I've felt so alone. I walk around and watch people going about their lives....just another ordinary day to them....but in the midst of so many people, I can feel like no one else is around me...like I'm the only person in the room....like I'm not big enough to even matter. And while I realize I'm not the only person going through a trial, it sure can feel like it at times. Satan is good at making me feel insiginificant; he's done it throughout my life...why not now? Especially now. I'm smarter than him though, and God is bigger, and He uses all of you....friends, family, strangers....to pull me out. He shows me grace when I'm mad at Him....or yelling at Him....or ignoring Him..... I don't deserve it, but He gives it. Where grace fits in with the bigger picture of all of this....that's a question I won't have answered until I see Him face to face, but I know He will give me an answer, and at that moment, I will understand why this was in His plan for us.

Please continue to lift us up in prayer, and remember us in your thoughts. Life will move on, but right now, it's at a stand=still....slowly creeping by.


By the way: Gracie (formerly known as Carrie) comes home tomorrow. I learned today that we are saving her life by adopting her. She didn't have much longer at the shelter. I think she's going to be a blessing to us - as we will be to her. We have to leave her while we're in the mountains, but my sister will be checking in on her. Please pray that nothing happens to her while we're gone. And also pray for us as we travel and get away for the first time without Ayden. My hope is for us to stay very, very busy and not have a lot of time to slow down - otherwise, I see myself getting frantic!