From a dear friend....

A dear friend of mine - we've been friends for 21 years - sent this to me today. Her words are always so profound and bring me such comfort. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this, but it was eloquent and heart-felt and exactly what I needed at that moment.

My thoughts don't stray from you...and if they do, its momentarily...I know you don't expect that but I say it because its true. I carry you and your grief in my heart. And though I am not delighted that this must be...I want nothing else than to be weighted. And of course it isn't a fraction of the weight you carry, I do not pretend so...at all. (Even putting the two in the same sentence sunk me with a twinge of guilt). I simply want you to know...you are not forgotten. I am bent on thinking of you and praying for you. I'm sorry I cannot come back any sooner than next weekend. I feel badly that I left at all.

Today I read the story of Lazarus. No. Today I read the story of Jesus' heartache. When Lazarus died, Jesus knew of it and also knew that he would also be brought back to life. When He got to the place where Mary was grieving, Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. And he wept. What I find incredible in this picture of Christ is that He knows that Lazarus will be brought back...and even in a few minutes, yet still he is so troubled that the children He loves are so upset...so upset. He sees the bigger picture, and still, He is moved to bitter tears.

It is the same Christ...God...He who has seen the bigger picture and the same truth that you see only pieces of, the outreach of Ayden. And as your heart breaks, He witnesses you and is deeply moved and troubled over your mourning...not in reprimand...but in complete understanding that it is deep pain that you have to go through. And an outer rim of friends who ache and mourn for you as well. And I wonder why He couldn't let the life come back...and I'm certain you do too (Dear God I don't want to be heavy for her, only encourage...). I believe perhaps He weeps more bitterly that, for His purposes, He couldn't give Him back to you. That He has to keep him. Indeed it was for purpose...don't believe it was pointless, random chance. God would not allow such pain to occur in a beloved child (you and Jeremy), pain that even He who knows all is troubled over, unless it was...well...the grandness must be irreplacable or this simply would not be. A comfort that there's a plan, and difficult to accept as well...as you said...is not only understandable, but Christ like. As He moves in His plans and purposes...He too is burdened that there must be tears for you, difficulty, sorrow with no ceasing.Hold on and keep breathing.

I found this hymn once...gorgeous music...but the words drive deep.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul; thy best, thy heavenly friend.
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.T

hy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still my soul, when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still my soul, thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, loves purest joys restored.

Be still my soul, when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still my soul, begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high;
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.

Be still my soul, the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.