A Father's Perspective

So math teachers aren't big writers in general...and I'm no exception to that rule. I just really felt like everybody has gotten Lindsay's perspective. Maybe there are some fathers who read this as well. Maybe some of you have experienced this same tragedy. Maybe you need to know you're not alone either. This is for you. Maybe you're just curious. I don't blog because I'd write a novel every time most likely...I read Steven Curtis Chapman's blog and I believe I fall in line with his thinking...I'm WAY too detail oriented and would write too much everytime I blog. But here we go...we'll give it a shot.

This is a struggle...I've never been so torn in my life. As a Christian, your first love is Christ. As a husband, next comes your wife. From my wife came my son, which places him next in that line of love. The hard part is this...when your son is taken, how do you continue to whole-heartedly love the God who chose to take him? The God who decided you could handle this (with His help only of course)? My faith and my "spiritual" heart says trust him...it's your only hope. My mind and "human" heart say how can a God who loves you take your son? My spiritual side then answers back but He gave His son. My human side then responds, yes but in giving His Son, He saved the whole world from our sin and in death, He got His son back. I now have to wait a lifetime to hold my little boy again. But my only hope to hold him again is to cling to the God that I just don't understand. My little boy has made it to Him, now I just have to live a life that would make Ayden proud as his father and make sure I make it there as well.

The second struggle is an emotional whirlwind. As the man, you are often forgotten. Lindsay shareS a very special bond with Ayden. She carried him for 9 months. That is a bond I do not have. But he IS my son. Fathers and sons share a bond. God charged me with raising him as a man of God. Say what you want dads, but you make those plans for your son. You look forward to the sports, whether he's a great athlete or not, he carries your legacy. I was looking forward to the talks between us, some deep and insightful like how to treat the women in your life, others just light and funny conversations. All of that is now gone. It is hard as I look at my football players and know that I was so looking forward to the day when Ayden would be out there with me, my little man at football practice trying to do all that the big boys were doing. Looking forward to the day when he would be one of the "big boys" and I'd get to watch him, maybe even coach him. The mornings before school KILL me...those were my times with him. As Lindsay got ready for work, Ayden and I would get him ready for his day. I'd feed him, change that diaper, take him to the nursery and get him cleaned up and dressed up for his day. Now the mornings are so empty. It's these times that break me...break me to the point I broke last Wed. when I could do nothing but cry..and cry...and cry...at nothing at all, just cry. But I'm a MAN, and the world tells you that you can handle these things. Men...that's a LIE...I hurt just like Lindsay hurts. On the other hand, that is my wife, and for 4 years now I've been the rock that she's turned to...and your heart breaks for her everytime you see her cry. I'm supposed to help make it better but I can't bring Ayden back...I'm helpless...how do I help her? We cry together or I just hold her while she cries. It's all I can do.

I always felt like I was in control of our family...I was the MAN...I have a beautiful wife, our finances were in pretty good order, we were leaders in our church, we were successful with our jobs, we had our own house, with a yard, and a dog and a cat, and our life was complete with the birth of Ayden. I had it all and this was what life was about...Then the phone call you never want to get was followed by hearing my wife say the words you never want to hear followed by the sight you never want to see followed by the reality you never want to face...I don't remember 5 months ago. I don't remember what life was like before Ayden. You may say it was only 5 months ago but I truly don't remember what is was like waking up without my little boy. I exist daily and that's about all I can get out of myself...when I feel anything, it is pain and emptiness. Happiness is fleeting...and guilt-ridden. I live to honor my son. It's all I can do right now.