A Father's Perspective


7 comments
So math teachers aren't big writers in general...and I'm no exception to that rule. I just really felt like everybody has gotten Lindsay's perspective. Maybe there are some fathers who read this as well. Maybe some of you have experienced this same tragedy. Maybe you need to know you're not alone either. This is for you. Maybe you're just curious. I don't blog because I'd write a novel every time most likely...I read Steven Curtis Chapman's blog and I believe I fall in line with his thinking...I'm WAY too detail oriented and would write too much everytime I blog. But here we go...we'll give it a shot.

This is a struggle...I've never been so torn in my life. As a Christian, your first love is Christ. As a husband, next comes your wife. From my wife came my son, which places him next in that line of love. The hard part is this...when your son is taken, how do you continue to whole-heartedly love the God who chose to take him? The God who decided you could handle this (with His help only of course)? My faith and my "spiritual" heart says trust him...it's your only hope. My mind and "human" heart say how can a God who loves you take your son? My spiritual side then answers back but He gave His son. My human side then responds, yes but in giving His Son, He saved the whole world from our sin and in death, He got His son back. I now have to wait a lifetime to hold my little boy again. But my only hope to hold him again is to cling to the God that I just don't understand. My little boy has made it to Him, now I just have to live a life that would make Ayden proud as his father and make sure I make it there as well.

The second struggle is an emotional whirlwind. As the man, you are often forgotten. Lindsay shareS a very special bond with Ayden. She carried him for 9 months. That is a bond I do not have. But he IS my son. Fathers and sons share a bond. God charged me with raising him as a man of God. Say what you want dads, but you make those plans for your son. You look forward to the sports, whether he's a great athlete or not, he carries your legacy. I was looking forward to the talks between us, some deep and insightful like how to treat the women in your life, others just light and funny conversations. All of that is now gone. It is hard as I look at my football players and know that I was so looking forward to the day when Ayden would be out there with me, my little man at football practice trying to do all that the big boys were doing. Looking forward to the day when he would be one of the "big boys" and I'd get to watch him, maybe even coach him. The mornings before school KILL me...those were my times with him. As Lindsay got ready for work, Ayden and I would get him ready for his day. I'd feed him, change that diaper, take him to the nursery and get him cleaned up and dressed up for his day. Now the mornings are so empty. It's these times that break me...break me to the point I broke last Wed. when I could do nothing but cry..and cry...and cry...at nothing at all, just cry. But I'm a MAN, and the world tells you that you can handle these things. Men...that's a LIE...I hurt just like Lindsay hurts. On the other hand, that is my wife, and for 4 years now I've been the rock that she's turned to...and your heart breaks for her everytime you see her cry. I'm supposed to help make it better but I can't bring Ayden back...I'm helpless...how do I help her? We cry together or I just hold her while she cries. It's all I can do.

I always felt like I was in control of our family...I was the MAN...I have a beautiful wife, our finances were in pretty good order, we were leaders in our church, we were successful with our jobs, we had our own house, with a yard, and a dog and a cat, and our life was complete with the birth of Ayden. I had it all and this was what life was about...Then the phone call you never want to get was followed by hearing my wife say the words you never want to hear followed by the sight you never want to see followed by the reality you never want to face...I don't remember 5 months ago. I don't remember what life was like before Ayden. You may say it was only 5 months ago but I truly don't remember what is was like waking up without my little boy. I exist daily and that's about all I can get out of myself...when I feel anything, it is pain and emptiness. Happiness is fleeting...and guilt-ridden. I live to honor my son. It's all I can do right now.

7 comments:

  1. so great to hear from you. Your certainly in my prayers just as much. hang in there!

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  2. to the Jones family....i don't know you personally but heard about you through Cindy Dawes who was my former boss...i think you know her son....anyway....your website has deeply touched my heart and i just wanted to let you know that i am praying for Gods healing touch for you and your family.....
    not sure if you are familiar with Natalie Grants song Held but wanted to post the lyrics to this song to let you know that God is holding you at this stage in your life....much love to you and know you are in our thoughts and prayers!! Jeaneen Lucas

    Held by Natalie Grant
    Two months is too little.
    They let him go.
    They had no sudden healing.
    To think that providence would
    Take a child from his mother while she prays
    Is appalling.

    Who told us we'd be rescued?
    What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
    We're asking why this happens
    To us who have died to live?
    It's unfair.

    Chorus:
    This is what it means to be held.
    How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive.
    This is what it is to be loved.
    And to know that the promise was
    When everything fell we'd be held.

    This hand is bitterness.
    We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
    The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

    (Chorus)
    This is what it means to be held.
    How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive.
    This is what it is to be loved.
    And to know that the promise was
    When everything fell we'd be held.

    Bridge:
    If hope is born of suffering.
    If this is only the beginning.
    Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

    (Chorus)
    This is what it means to be held.
    How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive.
    This is what it is to be loved.
    And to know that the promise was
    When everything fell we'd be held.

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  3. I have no words. I don't know you but reading your words breaks my heart. Saying sorry is just not enough. I pray for healing in your heart.

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  4. Jeremy thank you for sharing your heart. Both you and Lindsay have been so open in your pain and I know that others can see the Lord in your words. I know it has to be hard not to question God but he is sovereign and has a purpose in all things. I thought of you two this morning as I heard this song. I hope it will help you find some kind of comfort.

    Psalm 62
    Shane and Shane

    He’s the only one
    Strong enough to lean
    My heaviness against
    The weight of all my sin
    Falling on a rock
    Leaning on a fortress
    Oh the wall of God, Jesus

    He won’t move

    On God I rest, my salvation
    My fortress, shall not be shaken
    My mighty rock, and my glorious
    I lay my head upon His chest
    On God I rest

    Oh I am calling out
    Oh my soul
    Oh my stubborn soul
    Won’t you wait on Him
    Wait in the quiet
    Even in your fear
    Oh your God is here, to lean on!

    He won’t move

    He has spoken
    Hear his voice
    I have come for the broken
    So all ye weary come and rest

    Please know that you two are in my prayers, as you have been for the last few weeks. -Shannon (Piner) Cox

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  5. Jeremy, I am Lindsay's friend that has been "talking" to her, and I sent y'all some books...anyway, I want you to know I try and always include your name when I am writing Lindsay anything. I know how badly you hurt. My husband said the same words you wrote in this post. After we lost Grayson he got very frustrated at people not giving him any support. He said people would look right over him, it really hurt him deeply. I am so sorry you are hurting with such deep pain...it's not even "pain" is it...it goes beyond pain. There is not even a word for how this feels. Please know that YOU have been in our thoughts and prayers just as much. I have thought about you a lot. You need just as much support and I pray you get it.
    Kelley

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  6. Lindsay and Jeremy,
    My heart breaks for you. Jeremy, when I read you post, I was reminded of another blog by a Daddy who is walking the same road.
    http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/

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  7. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Society might say that a man should act in a certain way but society is wrong. You need to grieve your little boy and no one can dictate how you do that.

    May the Lord wrap his loving arms around you all.

    Em
    from Australia

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