Barely hanging on....

So, it seems like I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to have "good" days (good meaning, I might cry once that day). Yesterday was a "good" day. I got myself out of the bed, at breakfast, spent the day with my mom and sister (and eventually my dad), spent time with Jeremy after he got home, had dinner brought to us, blogged, then went to bed.

I do, though, still have "barely hanging on" days. I won't call them bad days, because when grieving, there are no bad days because it's okay to have the "barely hanging on" days. Today, has started out as one of those days. I went to sleep last night thinking of Ayden and woke up this morning thinking of him also. I knew I needed to see his face. And I knew what seeing him would do, but I had to. We have a dvd from Ayden's celebration service - a dvd of pictures and videos put to music. I popped that in and just let the tears flow. I know I will continue to have these moments, and I know that it's okay.

I continue to ask God questions, but I also turn around and tell Him that I know He probably can't give me the answers right now - probably isn't the time. Asking the questions, though, helps me process, and even gives me strength. One question I ask constantly is, "Why do I have to feel this?/Why did you think I could handle this?" Two questions that cause me to feel completely helpless....however, when I ask them, I remind myself of God's grace, mercy, and sovereignty. I know He has a purpose for all things....even this.

I hate being such a weak human. It's normal, here, to cry and grieve and make it all about me. It's a normal human reaction to miss someone and ache with every ounce of your being. It's also normal to feel like the person you're missing is going to be gone forever...that you'll never see them again. That's where the "barely haging on" moments come from - that weakness. I'm glad I have eternity to look forward eternity of joy, peace, happiness, with loved ones who have gone before us, with our Lord. I may have gotten four months with Ayden here (really 13 months...), but I get an eternity with him once this life has passed away. I know I say it a lot, but that's the only thing that brings me comfort.

Lord, come quickly.....please.....


  1. Lindsay-I do not "know" you personally, but I have several coworkers who know, as well as a member of my church who works at AG. Although I have experienced a loss of a child, it is no where as profound as yours. Not sure if this is something you want to hear right now, but I think your words in your blog can/will/could/would bring so much comfort to others in situations similar to yours. Your ability to honestly express your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and faith are so powerful. I would venture to say your words should be published in a "hard" format so that others can take comfort in your words. As I am sure you know, this is a journey like no other, and you will make it through. You will figure out what your new normal will be, until then, I continue to pray each day for you and your family, that God will grant you comfort and you heart's desires.

  2. Praying for you today and everyday.


  3. I got this quote in my facebook status yesterday, and I thought of it as I was reading your post. I am praying for you guys.

    "...Good Morning! This is God. I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help, so relax and have a great day!! "

  4. Your transparency and sharing never ceases to amaze me. I visit often, but rarely comment because I just don't know what to say, but today, I wanted you to know I am praying for you.

  5. You are not weak. The mere fact that you continue to live each day with this enormous amount of grief over losing the very thing you lived for is a testament to your strength.

    I really dont know what I would do if I lost a child. I cant even fathom it. I pray that with Gods guidance you are able to find those "good" days and have more of them.

    I may not know you, but I am crying with you. If even one of my tears takes some of the weight off your loss off you Ill cry a million.

    Blessings and love from MI

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. The blog "The Spohrs are Multiplying" deals with the loss of their child. Maybe this blog would give you some comfort. God Bless.

  7. Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
    John 11:25-26

    Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
    Deuteronomy 31:6

    Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
    1 Corinthians 16:13

    But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened."
    Take Courage
    1 Peter 3:14

    "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
    Proverbs 16:3

    Praying for you everyday.

  8. Our little guys are in great hands right now and we will be with them again one day!!!

  9. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and have not commented yet. Not that I haven't wanted to but I wasn't sure what I could even say to you. How can I ever try to give anyone advice on something I have no clue about. I have no idea the amount of pain you and your family are going through. Everyday I would think of you and your family. Being a Mother myself it brings me to tears to even imagine the pain you feel. All I can really say is just always cling to Jesus because he is always clinging to you. God will give you the tools that you need in order to get through each and every stage of your grief. He has you in the palm of his hands.

    Thank you so much for being willing to share openly all that you feel and think. So many want to hide the true way they are or true people they are. But you are bold and courageous. I know right now it's hard you don't want to be that person but I have been so touched by your life and faith and your complete openness about the pain and anguish you feel.

    As you go through many ups and downs may his steady hand keep you from falling. May he begin to restore joy to your life, may he be the compfort that you need, and may you feel him walking beside you. Be thankful that you know him and walk with him the way you do. You know you will see your son again one day.

    We will be praying for you here in CA and be here for you as long as you need.

    I know one day in the future you will look back and see your strength just as I have and so many others.

    God Bless you!

  10. Although, I don't know you I want you to know I am praying for you daily. God Bless.

  11. I think it was courageous of you to watch the DVD. I believe you and God knew it was the right moment.

    I've learned so much about questioning in the past year. I Love that we serve a Creator that it is not only okay to ask those questions, but strengthening. I think that there is an intimacy with Him that comes with all the questioning and wondering.

    I Love you.