Grief

I have been reading a lot of websites about SIDS (save yourself the effort - they all say the same thing - if I could rewrite them I would...I'll get to that later). Along with the websites come information about grief and the grieving process. We got an envelope of information in the mail yesterday about SIDS, the grieving process, etc. I read the SIDS brochure and felt comforted that what we are going through is normal. I moved on to the "Healing Grief" pamphlet. Sometimes, when I see such pamphlets, I brush them off as someone's attempt to write about things that are common sense. Plus, the illustrations in it looked 40 years old..... I decided to give it a chance, though. I began reading it and found it very enlightening and comforting. It takes you through the many levels of grief: Disbelief, Anger, Guilt, Sadness/Depression. I have gone through 2 and 1/2 of these levels in the past 3 weeks.

I believe I am still in the disbelief stage. But I waver between deep sadness and "anger" (I put it in quotes for a reason - again, I will get to that later). The author writes that in the disbelief stage, your mind will try to recreate the situation - re-write it so that it ends differently. For instance, in a dream. I dreamt one night that Ayden had passed away but that he kept coming back....he would leave us...then come back - that kept happening until I woke up. It was as if my mind was wavering between belief and disbelief within my dreams as it was when I was awake. I believe I'm still in the disbelief stage because part of me continues to feel as if I will see him very soon. I still haven't gone in his room...and I think that aids my disbelief because going into his room would make all the more real.

Of course I experience sadness almost 100% of the time. I refuse to become depressed, though. I force myself to move...get out of the bed...take a shower....attempt a routine. If that routine starts at 10:30 one day and 8:30 the next...so be it....I'm moving. That's all I can ask for right now. I cry myself to sleep many nights, which hurts and aches, but it is healing. If I go too long during the day without crying, I can expect to have a rough night because that means I've held it in. I know this is all healthy, normal, and to be expected. I'm thankful for this clarity because it allows me to see myself going through the process as I, myself, should deal with it.

"Anger" is a harsh word. I can't say that I've felt "angry." I'm not an angry person. I told Jeremy the other day that when God was handing out virtues he must have given me an abundance of patience. I've been told I'm a very patient person; I guess I am. I have begged, pleaded, fussed with and questioned God with no answer. I never expected one, but it felt good to let it all out. Most of the time, it's the same questions and such over and over. I remain patient through it all, though....almost irritatingly so. I want to be angry, I want to yell and scream and hit things, but that's not me. I have always believed, and will continue to believe, that God has a plan - a good and perfect plan. I do not serve a spiteful God...nor do I serve a God who enjoys the suffering of his children. I know it kills him to see my life destroyed and to know that Jeremy and I are in so much pain. And while I will probably never understand His reasons for taking children....I don't have a choice but to except it. I could go through life questioning - hardened and bitter - or I can trust that God is good and knew that something worse might have happened....something even harder than this (and I can think of a few things that would be harder...believe it or not).

I do not feel guilt...thank God. I know we did everything right. Even from before pregnancy. I started taking vitamins 5 months before I became pregnant. I ate right, had clean check-ups, his heart rate was always strong...even throughout birth....just perfect. When we took him to the Dr. they always said - he looks fantastic, he's growing, gaining weight, he's the perfect baby. We put him to sleep on his back - let him sleep on his side sometimes but ONLY in the case that we knew he could not move or turn himself over (seriously, he was pinned in...he wasn't going anywhere...safe and secure and sleeping so soundly). So, neither of us feel guilt because you can't prevent the unpreventable, you can only take precautions - and we did.

I had the pleasure of speaking with the mom of a dear friend of ours today. When I was in college, her husband was the campus minister of CCF at UNC. Their son is Jeremy's best friend - and I look at him as if he is my own brother. His dad is one of my favorite people and a man I greatly admire. In college, I loved seeing his parents because his mom was much like a 2nd mom to me. Such a sweet woman - so compassionate - just such a sweet spirit. We were at a softball tournament today - not quite the location of vulnerability. I was trying to be very strong and not break down, but I become quickly overwhelmed right now. The simple act of leaving the house is a daily hardship. So, the get in the truck and go all the way to EC....and have to be around a lot of people....that was big. Anyway, she shared her sympathy with us...told us she was praying for us...as most people do. Of course, we got our hugs. I expected that to be it. Well, Jeremy and the guys had to go to a meeting on another softball field. That left me and (I don't like using names with permission, so I'll call her "friend's mom") "friend's mom" alone on the bleachers. I think she knew I probably wouldn't strike up a conversation. I let her ask the questions. She asked how our family was...so I shared how they are doing. I began to feel more comfortable, so I just started talking. I shared my outlook on SIDS with her (I told you I'd get to it later). I told her how I do not believe SIDS is a medical condition (I'm sure science could try to find a logical explanation). I think it's our weak attempt at giving something a name to make us feel better. I understand that babies' bodies are immature and still learning to function. However, I also know that my son was healthy, perfect, never sick, never had a fever, hardly ever cried unless he was uncomfortable, hungry, or tired, had a clean medical record, was strong, and completely fine. (But there's no way you could know fully that he was completely healthy - YES, I can. He is my son...I knew him better than anyone...I carried him...I KNOW he was fine.) I believe there are specific children that God chooses to take earlier than we plan for. Why? No clue. However, I don't believe it's random. I imagine the 2nd earth....the one where we're here with Jesus...we've finally gotten it right...and we're here with Him once the old earth has passed away. Doesn't that earth need children? Babies in particular? Don't babies give us a glimpse at the innocence, purity, and goodness that we are lacking in this world? A glimpse of Heaven. I can't imagine a more perfect Heaven and new earth than one with babies and children. I remember telling Ayden on many occasions that I wished he could be my baby forever. Little did I know.... He will forever be my baby. I will carry him always, and I will hold him again. I carry him in my heart now, but I will soon carry him again. Some people have alternate views on babies in Heaven....that they won't be "infantile". I've mentioned this in an earlier post - it won't matter when we get there. But for now, it comforts me to believe that he will always be my little baby boy. As sad as it is to miss him, what a precious thought that is to me.

"Friend's mom" shared her personal loss of a miscarriage with me today. After 26+ years, I could still see the hurt and loss in her eyes when she spoke about it. I don't understand why we have to feel so much pain - it shouldn't be a part of life to lose a child. It isn't natural; it isn't fair; it isn't right - by our standards. But again....I WILL trust that there is a reason and a purpose. It isn't easy to accept, but if I want to retain an ounce of sanity, I have to force myself to accept it.

Towards the end of our conversation, she asked if I had pictures of Ayden with me. I showed her the pictures on my phone. It was then that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had let a little out, but seeing that precious face....the face I long to see every day....that beautiful child that is absent from my life....there's no holding it in after that. So, she and I sat and cried, and she told me how beautiful he IS. He truly is....and I don't say that just because he's mine (I am partial, though..), but he truly is a beautiful child. There was something about him that I just never could pinpoint....a little spark that I could see in him....an angel here on earth and now for eternity.

I'm interested to know how others feel about God's purpose in taking children and causing the loss of a child. I've even heard of a person saying that God highly favors those families who lose their child. When I first heard that I thought, "What a twisted outlook." But the more I thought about it, I guess I can see where that person is coming from. It's a deep thought, though....and hard to understand unless you've directly experienced loss and can look at it from a different perspective. It took a lot of contemplating for me to even BEGIN to understand....

Jeremy goes back to work Monday. I'm not looking forward to that. He is my rock. I was telling him today how I knew he was special from the moment I met him. I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I found something wrong with every boyfriend prospect who came in the picture. When I met Jeremy - I knew immediately that he was something special and I'd better not mess it up. He has taught me a lot about compassion and exhibiting a Christ-like attitude. He knows better than to "coach" me, but I do listen to what he says and I watch his actions. I'm so proud of him and couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else. He knows me better than anyone else and can read me so easily - and I can do the same with him. I love that. I love that we're so close. He is my very best friend, and going through the days without him will be hard, but it is also necessary. He needs to get back into a routine...work and coaching...I know it will help him heal. I also know it won't be easy. Please be in prayer for him as he is taking deep breaths just like I am. He may not show it or deal with it like I do, but I know he hurts as much as I do and is feeling the same amount of pain.

I have again written more than I planned. I hope it was more than rambling. Writing is therapeutic for me, and I can't believe I'm sharing so openly, but I'm glad I am able to. It gives you guys specific things to pray for, and it helps me release everything that has been running through my mind all day.

If you catch typos, I apologize... Yes, I am an English teacher, and I do proof-read, but I also don't see too well, so words run together. I catch what I can and leave it up to you to make sense of the rest.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers. Keep them coming.