Today is enough....

I was re-reading one of my last posts, and a thought came to me. Even if I had asked the babysitter to use the wedge, she wouldn't have. They are warned against according to the SIDS foundation website. I'm sure that in accordance with NC law, she could not have ANYTHING in the crib with a baby. And she didn't. She did everything right. She did everything she knew to do. Again, I don't believe Ayden suffocated....I just don't. I know my son; I've watched him hundreds of times; he would have been able to breathe. I'm convinced that he was just a split second....

My sister was saying today that she just wished she knew what happens in those situations. I told her that I don't believe medical science will EVER have an explanation. SIDS is a fancy name for something beyond our understanding. I don't believe it is an infant "death." My son's body is dead, but he is very much alive in spirit. His soul is in Heaven just waiting until it will be reunited with his body - and then, it will be an even more glorious body. We are not meant to understand everything - and that sucks. Being an educator, I'm quick to have an answer for many things. I don't have an answer for this and probably never will. Speaking with Jeremy today, through my tears I said, "I just want to know why. I want someone to tell me why this had to happen. Why our son had to be taken from us." I may have to wait my entire lifetime to hear my answer, but I know I will be given an answer one day.

Our future children are going to be such blessings. I am convinced of this because they will have never been possible without all of this (I am also convinced of this because Ayden was/is/has been the most wonderful blessing in our lives). Do I like the thought of that - that my son's death has made the existence of other children possible? Not exactly.... I don't like this at all. I hate this. I'm not angry; I'm not bitter; I'm just at a loss. A part of me will always hurt....ALWAYS.... I don't like that. I'm 26 years old. I never, ever thought I'd go through this....especially not at such a young age.

One of my former teachers came to visit today, Mrs. Boykin. She is the reason I went into teaching. She has a kind, sweet spirit, and I loved her the minute she walked into my 8th grade English class. (I had her for 8th, 9th, and 12th grade) We were talking about how our students always have a "plan" for their lives, and they don't consider the detours. That was me. At 14 my life was planned out. I was going to meet my husband at a young age (I did); I was going to go to college and graduate in 4 years with a degree in English Education (I did); I was going to get married at 22 (I did); I was going to get my Master's Degree and finish National Boards before my first child was born (I did); I was going to be 26 when my first child was born (lo and behold...Ayden came the day after my 26th birthday). My life had gone according to plan....but I knew that at some point, God was going to slap me in the face big time. Never in my life did I imagine it would be this way. I don't believe this was God saying, "It's not your plan anymore." because I believe my plans were also His because I consulted Him with everything.

When we found out we were pregnant last August, we were so excited. However, a part of me was terrified because I knew that this baby, although part of Jeremy and I, did not fully belong to us. I guess I was being realistic, guarded, or just fearful. I would pray every day over Ayden, and I would tell God that I was, above all, so grateful that he had entrusted us with such a fragile, wonderful blessing. To be a parent is not an ordinary appointment.....we did not take it lightly. We knew that it was a big job and one that requires a lot of responsibility. We were also aware that Ayden was not ours to "keep". He was given to us, specifically, for a specific purpose and we knew that God could take him back at anytime. And although it was our biggest nightmare to lose a child, we knew that if it was God's plan, there was nothing we could do about it. As helpless as that leaves you feeling.....God's will is not something you're really able to question (if you do, good will be fruitless). So, anyway, once Ayden was born, I continued to pray that prayer. I love(d) Ayden whole-heartedly...anyone who saw me with him knew that.....that little boy is my heart. However, the mother in me kept myself guarded just in case the unimaginable were to happen. No mother ever expects to get that phone call..... I hope I never have to get it again.

From here....I don't know where we go. "Normal" will never describe our lives again. A part of us will always be missing and hurting. I want to go back to work, but I can't right now. I can't even get in my car. I can't look into the rear-view mirror and not see Ayden's sweet face reflected back at me. I know I'll have to face it eventually, but right now is just too soon. Mrs. Boykin said something today that describes where I am right now. She said that she used to always plan ahead - "Next year, I'll do this..."; "In a few years, I'll do this." However, when things like this happen, the ability to think that way becomes very difficult because your focus turns to making it through that one day. So, "today is enough" will stick in my mind because getting through today and seeing the blessings in today is enough to have to think about.

Right now, everywhere I look, I see emptiness. My arms are empty, his swing is empty, his carseat - empty, the changing table - empty, his tub - empty, his high chair - empty, my heart - empty. We will forver feel incomplete. Even when our future children come and grow and fill us with joy....we will always be missing a large piece of ourselves. My biggest fear has now turned to fear for my future children. If a child dies of SIDS, siblings run the risk as well. I can't, no, I WILL NOT believe that God could put us through this again. I will always fear it though...

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Today is enough, and I'm doing good just get through today....


  1. Praying for you. I read your post about some of your memories of Ayden...what a precious little guy!


  2. I think about you often!!! I pray for you often!!! I wish I could say something to help!! Take one day at a time!!!

    Hugs and prayer from Georgia


  3. I am so sorry for the emptiness in your home & your heart. You are in my prayers.

  4. You are in my prayers. I can't imagine your pain...continue to hold tight to God and all of your sweet memories.

  5. Empty.
    Well said.
    Continue to pour out your heart. It is healing and will be healing for you to read your words later. You will wonder, "How did I get so wise?"
    Even Jesus learned obedience through suffering.
    Live even if you would rather not.

  6. I don't know you, but I have been reading your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. My prayers are with you.

    I am a pediatric nurse and I wanted to pass on a little information to keep in your memory banks for the future, when you need it. You may be able to convince your doctor to have your future children put on monitors. Babies that have problems with apnea (stopping breathing for periods of time) can go home on an apnea monitor that tracks their breathing and heart rate. I had three siblings that were on these monitors. They provided piece of mind to my mother who had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to me as an infant because I had stopped breathing long enough to turn blue.

    I know that this is a lot of information that is probably more than you need right now, but maybe the thought of being able to have that as an option will give you some piece of mind for the safety of your future children.

    Again, I offer prayers of comfort for you and your husband. I can't even imagine the pain that you are feeling right now.

  7. I just came across your blog a few days ago and your story is heartbreaking. I understand some of what you are going through because I myself lost a child. My daughter Emma Noelle passed away when she was 4 days old in 2004. I agree with you that things will never be the same. Even after all these years and the birth of another child I still feel like there is a missing piece to my heart. I think of my little girl everyday and sometimes the heartache is actually physically painful.I know that she is at peace and is whole again in Heaven but I still have days of wondering why my little girl had to be taken from me. You will adjust to a new normal but things will never be the same. Ayden was so precious and I can tell through how you write about him that you loved him very much. I think the most important things you need to remember is that grief does not have a time table and that everyone grieves in their own way. You need to take the time that you need to cope with the loss of your beautiful little boy. It may takes months or it may take years but that is okay. You have a right to take as long as you need. I have had people say to me that I should move on or well you have another child now so you should be happy. They don't seem to understand that my new son can never replace Emma. You will probably at some point come across people who make comments like that and the only advice I can give is to turn to God and your family. I have found that comments like this just open up the wounds of losing my daughter again. I pray that you will continue to find peace and that you will at some point find happiness in this new "normal". As you said in your blog...just take one day at a time(sometimes it means taking one minute or one second at a time just to get through the day). I will continue to keep you and your husband in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your son's life with us and thank you for sharing how you are dealing with his loss. You will never realize how many people you are helping but know that I am one of those people. You have helped me to realize that I am not alone. I believe that through our shared grief we can find the strength to carry on after the loss of our children. God bless you!

    Melissa Moss

  8. I am continuing to pray for you and your family!

  9. You and your family are in my prayers always.


  10. I just wanted you to know you have prayers from Iowa. My heart aches for you. One day at a time, one day at a time.

    God Bless You,

  11. Our situations are very different, but we lost our 2 year old son last August in an accident. I just want you to know that there are those of us who have experienced the loss of a child and know your horror. I will continue to pray for you and your husband.

    Angie (Mark's mommy)

  12. I pray for your family every night. I am so sorry for your loss.

  13. Lindsay,
    I pray for you daily. I pray that God will choose to answer your questions. I pray he will fill the whole that is now in your heat with peace and joy. I pray he takes away the heaviness if your sorrow. I pray that He will not allow fear -- fear that has been thrown upon you -- to prevent you from fully experiencing the lives of your future children. May you completely embrace the uncertainty of the wonderous things your future holds in that regards. One day...this will all be worth it.

    Much love,

  14. Lindsay, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still praying for you and Jeremy. I think of you throughout the day, every day, and have been lifting your family in prayer. Words just seem so inadequate, and I don't know what else to say, except that I'm still praying, and that you are not forgotten. I love you!

    -Amanda Murray

  15. No words will be the rights ones...we continue to pray and send love your way every day. God will help you through today.


  16. Still praying for you and Jeremy.

  17. While I don't know you (I'm a friend of Lauren's), I wanted to let you know something...

    My older daughter had a condition called toricollis--she could only turn her head to one direction. We had to do exercises to stretch her neck muscles and we had to prop her in her sleep b/c the condition was causing the side of her head to flatten.

    We asked the sitter to use a sleep wedge for her, but she would not do it until we signed a release form and had another form signed by her doctor stating that it was medically necessary for her to use that wedge. Even then, she was still hesitant.

    I tell you all of that to let you know that you were absolutely right about the sitter not using that wedge even if you did bring it. I know that for a fact b/c my daughter went to that same sitter as Ayden did from the time she was 6 weeks to 15 months.

    I wanted to tell you that in case there was any small part of you that was still thinking about the "what-ifs". I am, and will be, praying for your family.

  18. I came across your blog through someone else's...I want you to know I had a similar experience a few years ago with our first baby. My heart aches for you. I want you to know that you WILL survive this. I want you to know that there is still joy in your future. I want you to know that I, too, have experienced those awful, dark days...but you will see light again. Having more children will help tremendously with your healing. My husband and I went on to have 3 beautiful, healthy children and I don't take a second with them for granted! God bless you and your husband. You are truly in my prayers. And I want you to know that I believe that God will bless you richly in spite of, in the midst of, your grief.

    Heather Garrett