Today is enough....

I was re-reading one of my last posts, and a thought came to me. Even if I had asked the babysitter to use the wedge, she wouldn't have. They are warned against according to the SIDS foundation website. I'm sure that in accordance with NC law, she could not have ANYTHING in the crib with a baby. And she didn't. She did everything right. She did everything she knew to do. Again, I don't believe Ayden suffocated....I just don't. I know my son; I've watched him hundreds of times; he would have been able to breathe. I'm convinced that he was just taken....in a split second....

My sister was saying today that she just wished she knew what happens in those situations. I told her that I don't believe medical science will EVER have an explanation. SIDS is a fancy name for something beyond our understanding. I don't believe it is an infant "death." My son's body is dead, but he is very much alive in spirit. His soul is in Heaven just waiting until it will be reunited with his body - and then, it will be an even more glorious body. We are not meant to understand everything - and that sucks. Being an educator, I'm quick to have an answer for many things. I don't have an answer for this and probably never will. Speaking with Jeremy today, through my tears I said, "I just want to know why. I want someone to tell me why this had to happen. Why our son had to be taken from us." I may have to wait my entire lifetime to hear my answer, but I know I will be given an answer one day.

Our future children are going to be such blessings. I am convinced of this because they will have never been possible without all of this (I am also convinced of this because Ayden was/is/has been the most wonderful blessing in our lives). Do I like the thought of that - that my son's death has made the existence of other children possible? Not exactly.... I don't like this at all. I hate this. I'm not angry; I'm not bitter; I'm just at a loss. A part of me will always hurt....ALWAYS.... I don't like that. I'm 26 years old. I never, ever thought I'd go through this....especially not at such a young age.

One of my former teachers came to visit today, Mrs. Boykin. She is the reason I went into teaching. She has a kind, sweet spirit, and I loved her the minute she walked into my 8th grade English class. (I had her for 8th, 9th, and 12th grade) We were talking about how our students always have a "plan" for their lives, and they don't consider the detours. That was me. At 14 my life was planned out. I was going to meet my husband at a young age (I did); I was going to go to college and graduate in 4 years with a degree in English Education (I did); I was going to get married at 22 (I did); I was going to get my Master's Degree and finish National Boards before my first child was born (I did); I was going to be 26 when my first child was born (lo and behold...Ayden came the day after my 26th birthday). My life had gone according to plan....but I knew that at some point, God was going to slap me in the face big time. Never in my life did I imagine it would be this way. I don't believe this was God saying, "It's not your plan anymore." because I believe my plans were also His because I consulted Him with everything.

When we found out we were pregnant last August, we were so excited. However, a part of me was terrified because I knew that this baby, although part of Jeremy and I, did not fully belong to us. I guess I was being realistic, guarded, or just fearful. I would pray every day over Ayden, and I would tell God that I was, above all, so grateful that he had entrusted us with such a fragile, wonderful blessing. To be a parent is not an ordinary appointment.....we did not take it lightly. We knew that it was a big job and one that requires a lot of responsibility. We were also aware that Ayden was not ours to "keep". He was given to us, specifically, for a specific purpose and we knew that God could take him back at anytime. And although it was our biggest nightmare to lose a child, we knew that if it was God's plan, there was nothing we could do about it. As helpless as that leaves you feeling.....God's will is not something you're really able to question (if you do, good luck.....it will be fruitless). So, anyway, once Ayden was born, I continued to pray that prayer. I love(d) Ayden whole-heartedly...anyone who saw me with him knew that.....that little boy is my heart. However, the mother in me kept myself guarded just in case the unimaginable were to happen. No mother ever expects to get that phone call..... I hope I never have to get it again.

From here....I don't know where we go. "Normal" will never describe our lives again. A part of us will always be missing and hurting. I want to go back to work, but I can't right now. I can't even get in my car. I can't look into the rear-view mirror and not see Ayden's sweet face reflected back at me. I know I'll have to face it eventually, but right now is just too soon. Mrs. Boykin said something today that describes where I am right now. She said that she used to always plan ahead - "Next year, I'll do this..."; "In a few years, I'll do this." However, when things like this happen, the ability to think that way becomes very difficult because your focus turns to making it through that one day. So, "today is enough" will stick in my mind because getting through today and seeing the blessings in today is enough to have to think about.

Right now, everywhere I look, I see emptiness. My arms are empty, his swing is empty, his carseat - empty, the changing table - empty, his tub - empty, his high chair - empty, my heart - empty. We will forver feel incomplete. Even when our future children come and grow and fill us with joy....we will always be missing a large piece of ourselves. My biggest fear has now turned to fear for my future children. If a child dies of SIDS, siblings run the risk as well. I can't, no, I WILL NOT believe that God could put us through this again. I will always fear it though...

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Today is enough, and I'm doing good just get through today....