A Rough Day....

I had been preparing myself for today all week. Today was our godson's 2nd birthday. I wasn't preparing myself for the fact that this is a little boy's birthday....one I'll never get with Ayden....no, that isn't what I had to prepare myself for. It was for the interactions that would occur there. Anytime I have to go out of the house, I'm no longer in control of what I'm faced with. A birthday, especially a kid's birthday, means other little kids...which is hard. It also means interacting with other people, which lends itself to awkwardness because I don't know what to talk about nor do they know what to say to me. So, the awkwardness sets in. I was okay until present time. Okay meaning....the lump was in the throat, but it wasn't going past.... Then, I sat on the floor, and my lap was empty. He wasn't there. He wasn't going to be there. He'll never be there again. I'm a mother, but I can't be a mother right now and I can't control that - that is the worst, stabbing, excruciating pain I will ever feel in my entire life. At that moment, the reality that had been waiting 3 weeks to hit, HIT, and it hit hard. It was all I could to keep my composure. I wanted to be there for my godson, but I knew I needed to leave. Shortly after that, my sister and I did leave. We had to go pick up my mom. Before that, though, I went out to Ayden's spot. Normally, his "spot" is not a place I need to visit frequently because I know he isn't there. But today, I needed to be there. My sister went with me, and I just kept saying, "It's just not fair....it's not fair." That's all I could think, all day.... We stood and cried for a little while, then Megan let me stay back alone for a few minutes. At that time, I just let it go....I was angry with God, with every other mother in this world who has her baby while I don't have mine, with the idea of death and how it can even dare touch a child and cause this much pain in my life.....and then, I spoke to Ayden and told him how much I love and miss him and I wished he was here.

If I offend you, I'm sorry. Today, a lot of raw feelings surfaced. If you feel as if it was because of you, it was not YOU, it was the situation....please understand why this is hard for me. Do not feel as if I am upset with you, I'm not. However, if I have to avoid you...or just walk away....please understand that it's because I'm dealing with my world being turned upside down and torn apart. I don't have much control over my reactions right now, and many times, I don't know what will set it off until it happens. Please be patient with me.....

Next, Jeremy and I went to eat with some friends of mine and their kids. We love their kids and enjoy spending time with their family. Their 3 year old daughter met Ayden and remembers him well, so she talks about him time to time. That doesn't bother me. I'd rather her talk about him than not. Does it make me emotional when she talks about him? Of course....but like I said...at least she is talking about him rather than pretending he never was. Anyway, she sat in my lap when we finished dinner and she was looking at my necklace. I have a SIDS awareness ribbon and a pendant with Ayden's name on it on a chain. So, she asked about the "snake" - the ribbon and then she asked what was written on the pendant. I told her, "Ayden." She likes to say his name, so said, "Baby Ayden, Baby Ayden, Baby Ayden died. Baby Ayden died." Whew....of course that struck me. To hear such an innocent voice speak those words, not knowing the weight they carried. I acted as if it hadn't affected me because I didn't want her to feel like I was upset because of her. In her mind, she was reasoning it out...that's her way of understanding it. I can imagine it's a lot for such a little person. So, "Mom" - no worries....she didn't upset me....it did cause me to tear up and the lump came back, but it's ok. It's going to happen. We will be joining you and your family again..... thank you for dinner. We love you guys.

Today, the numbness wore off and the real pain set in. I'm crushed, destroyed, devastated, terrified, hopeless, broken, and feeling of little significance. I go to sleep at night hoping and praying not to wake up the next morning. Again, I know this is normal. I am in no way dillusional. I know what healthy vs unhealthy grieving is.

Until you've been here....you will never, ever know this heartwrenching, shaking, all-encompassing pain. It numbs you, freezes you, stops you in your tracks and makes you feel as if there is no way out....no way to emerge from this. I've cried more today than I have in the past week....and I have a feeling the days to come will be much of the same.


Below is a post from my husband, Jeremy. Jeremy tends to take a back seat to me in all of this, and he shouldn't. Yes, he is a man. Some seem to think that because he is a man, he should grieve differently, be stronger, handle it better...NO. Jeremy is Ayden's father - Ayden is his son. He has lost a son just as I have. We share the same pain, and although we may deal with it differently, it doesn't mean he doesn't hurt just as much as I do or cry as much as I do. I know he is hurting. He has always been my rock, but I don't expect him to be strong right now. All we can do is lean on each other, cry with each other, and grow stronger through this. He is an amazing man, and I can not imagine going through this with anyone else. He is my strength and the one who reminds me of hope when I'm dwelling in the darkness. I'm so blessed to have him.