Thanks Kelley

Thank you all for your support and sweet messages through your comments. I'm realizing that the support of others, especially those who know what we are going through, is what will help us just survive. Because really, that's all we're doing at this point - surviving. Every step I take is a conscious effort to keep moving. Every smile, laugh - all half-hearted - I wonder when true happiness will come as a result of those.

One of the hardest parts of all of this has been the "looks" that people give me. I feel like people look at me as if I'm going to explode at any moment. I can see that they don't know what to say, so they just don't say anything at all. I understand that - I wouldn't know what to say to me either, but....say something. People also seem to believe that I don't want to talk about Ayden. Why would I not want to talk about the light of my life? My source of true joy.... It helps to talk about go back to my pregnancy and his recall his charm and beautiful personality. It helps to talk about him. I don't want people to act as if he never cruel...not to acknowledge such a wonderful little life....the little life that fills me with such pure joy. Ayden may not be a part of our present....but he is in our past and our future. And while I will ache for him until that future comes....that idea is what keeps me moving.

Kelley is a fellow SIDS mom, and she has been so gracious with me. We hardly know each other, but we have a bond that can never be broken. Our boys are playing together.... I could write so much about how much of a comfort she has been; she has been a blessing. She sent me the following poem. It was something I needed today, and it describes "where I am" these days:

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I seetears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.


  1. Oh Lindsay, you are so sweet! You really don't have to thank me. I actually feel like I can't do all I would like to do for y'all because I'm here in Texas. I want so badly to bring y'all dinner, clean your just anything for you right now! And mostly, I wish I were there to give you a big hug, and let you cry as much as you want on my shoulder.

    Yes, we do have a bond, a strong one. I wish we knew each other because our sons were in the same Mother's Day Out or something, but I do hope I am helping you in any small way.

    I will forever be here for you!!!

  2. Lindsay,

    Thank you so much for writing your words that are painfully honest.

    Keep teaching us.

  3. Lindsay,
    Love the poem. Those are words that I'm sure little Ayden is looking over you and saying!!!
    I've been reading you're blogs almost on a daily basis and admire you for your courage and how deep your faith is.
    There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of Jeremy and you. You guys are in my prayers daily.
    To be honest I have had some guilt that I have my little Mia here yet little Ayden was the chosen one. There were several of us pregnant at the same time, and I just think this could have easily happen to Mike and me. I don't know that I could have been as strong as you've been. No one ever knows how they'll react until it happens to you. I know that you have your moments and that's ok, it's only natural. Only time can heal and I'm sure there will always be some hurt. I'm so glad that you have people to talk with that have been through the same thing, like Kelley. I can't begin to know the feelings/pain that you have felt during the past 3 weeks. I'm totally one of those people that you've talked about that really don't know what to say to you! I'm one of those that aren't good with words anyway. No Mother ever wants to experience what you have, and I truly believe I can say that since I've became a mother. Ayden was so precious and still is. I will always remember that giggle and beautiful smile. If there's anything that you guys every need, please feel free to call us. Maybe a different environment or someone different to talk to/ socialize with...the door is always open. Thank you for sharing such honest words! I will continue to pray for you guys and hope that the pain will come easier as each day goes by. Hope that i didn't say anything in the wrong way. God Bless!
    Love, Crystal Tyson

  4. OK, here's a little something for you to do, if you want. Check out the AudreyCaroline blog run by Angie Smith (wife of Selah singer), she is giving her bloggers a chance to win a cd by dave crowther (if I have the spelling right). Anyway, you can here one of the songs on her blog, it starts playing when you reach her site, and in approx 24 hrs you might be a winner of a cd if you choose to participate.

  5. It is the David Crowder Band, and you can listen to (hear) one of the songs....You know the rest. I apologize for adding grief to the English teacher's day, it must have been like finger nails on a chalk board. "Hear it here" on the blog site....sometimes I forget to double check and then, horror, realize my message is posted with no chance for a rewrite. Yikes! No, I don't need my comment published.