Today is a half-day at work, so I thought I would go by there after the kids get out. It makes me nervous, though....just the anticipation. I guess I'm afraid someone is going to say something or I'm going to feel a certain way, but I can never predict those things....and that makes it kind of scary. I never know when a hard time is going to hit - it just hits. I can sometimes feel them coming....but by the time I get a bit of warning, it's too late. It's not that I don't want people to talk to me about everything or extend their's just hard to predict how I will react.

Jeremy has agreed to getting the dog. :) Her name will be changed, though. She doesn't look like a "Carrie" to me. I'm thinking Gracie. Anyway, I hope she can be held for us until next week. We are going to the mountains this weekend, and it would be cruel to get her, bring her home and then leave her. It would be cool to be able to take her with us, but we are staying in a friend's mountain house - wouldn't be very nice to bring a dog with us.... We'll be leaving our other pets home as well. We have another dog - a rat terrier named Tucker, and we also have a cat named Sinatra. We are (or...I am..) a sucker for animals...especially animals in the shelter. I guess I feel like if I can save ONE of them, I'm doing something good. I really don't like that we have kill's so cruel to those animals. They can't help their situations....

I'm nervous about going to the mountains. We've been wanting to go since last year. We used to live in the foothills and we fell in love with the area (Wilkesboro/Boone/West Jefferson). Since we moved back to Eastern NC, we've tried to go back at least once a year. While we lived there we became really close with two couples, and we will be visiting them while we are there. Even though we only see each other once a year, we consider them some of our best friends. I'm nervous thought that we will get all the way up there and I won't be able to handle it. Then, I'm 4 hours away from home...having a panic attack....not good. I'm going to really try to "enjoy" myself while we're there.

Ayden has been in my dreams the past few nights. When Ayden was with us, I never dreamed of him. Maybe it was because I was too exhausted to dream, but I don't remember ever dreaming of him. I dreamt of him while I was pregnant and now... One night, he was in an exersaucer (he's never been in one...) and he was just laughing away. I can still see that big grin across his face and hear that contagious little laugh. Last night, I dreamed we were in a school somewhere with my uncle and his wife (who live in Korea) and their son James. (I haven't seen them in almost 2 years!) I was supposed to take James with me, but I kept forgetting him because I was so focused on Ayden. I don't remember much....but I do remember a fire drill (????) and Ayden lying on the floor rolling over and smiling away. So proud of himself. Random dreams, but as hard as it is to see him in my dreams, I'm thankful for them. It's cruel to have to wake up and realize they aren't real....but I'll take it over nothing.

The past couple days have been okay. I can feel a "bad" day coming, though. And that's okay. I know they have to happen, and when they do, I give in and just let it happen. It's a painful feeling....the most empty, isolated feeling you could ever imagine, but I know they will lead to healing.

Jeremy and I are going to meet with a family tonight who is going through the same thing we are. They lost their 3 month old son last week to SIDS. From what I've been told, it's rare for this to happen to two babies so close together. It shouldn't happen at all. But, this is where we've found ourselves, and we can't change it. We just hope that meeting this other family will give us (and them) a source of support. Please keep them in your prayers.

Also keep baby Jonah in your prayers. I mentioned him 2 nights ago. He spiked a fever and is going to have to have chest x-rays and is receiving IV antibiotics. They suspect that he might have aspirated on his meconium, so they're keeping a close eye on him. His parents may have to go home without him, and I know that's going to be hard. Pray that they find the source of all of this and can treat him and let him go home soon.

We are coming up on a month since Ayden was taken to Heaven. I'm not big on anniversaries of sad events, so that day will probably be one where I just keep really busy and celebrate his life rather than dwelling on the loss. I sure do miss him....


  1. I hope you have a safe and relaxing trip to the mountains!

  2. Lindsay,
    We have never met, but I have been following your blog ever since I saw it on Jonah's blog. I have wanted to comment here for awhile, but resisted for the lack of something to say. I finally figured letting you know I'm here is better than never saying anything. In some ways, I can relate to your pain, I lost a baby due to miscarriage 2 years ago and although it is not the same deep pain you are feeling for many reasons that I don't need to go into - it is still deep pain that I deal with. I am encouraged by your words and you have taught me a lot about faith. I am a Christian, but honestly have questioned my faith in my grief. I am really not an open person and don't share a lot of my feelings, but my miscarriage has somewhat changed that. I am encourgaged that you are going to meet this other couple that has had to go through this experience. I would never wish losing a child on anyone, but about a month after my miscarriage one of my best friends miscarried and I would like to think she was critical in my "healing" (that's really not the right word in my opinion) because we were able to share this grief together. She was someone I could turn to and talk to about what was going on and how I was feeling. You have also made me deal with that pain and you have put grief in words for me that I have had trouble expressing. I have never admitted that I was mad at other pregnant women because they were pregnant, but some days I felt like screaming, why do you get to keep yours. My brother's girlfriend actually got pregnant about 4 months after we lost ours. That was something I secretly struggled with. Of course I wasn't hoping that they would lose the baby, I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. I have cried sitting here at work many a morning reading your blog, partly for your situation, partly for my own. Please don't apologize for expressing your true feelings! No one has the right to judge them or take offense. I don't have the right words for you and can't put that beautiful baby back in your arms but I am praying for you and thinking about you often. You have made me a better christian, mother, and wife. I am sorry this has happened to you and your family. You will feel joy again. I pray that God will answer your prayers. I have 2 boys now. I lost the child between them at 12 weeks with no indication that anything was wrong. My 2nd son has brought whole hearted joy and laughter back into our lives. He hasn't replaced the child we lost and nothing will, but he has brought light back to our family.
    I'm sorry that I have come to know of you through this situation. I am praying for your heart's desires.

  3. Lindsay,

    I think you are so wise to "give in" and allow the bad days to happen. And to know that is when the healing happens.
    I could feel your apprehension about school and the mountains. I am sure that everyone feels the same way - whatever your reaction is we just want to put our arms around you. No words.
    Much Love

  4. so glad to hear that carrie/gracie will be joining your family! grace (my first cat) was a way of dealing with my own loss of a relationship, and named for similar reasons. one of the things i'd always heard is that "grace is when God gives you something that you don't deserve," and she was just what i needed at that point.

    i hope you enjoy your weekend in the mountains and the change of scenery. it should be beautiful and peaceful up there. praying for you guys daily...

  5. I heard something in a message today and you were brought to my mind when I heard it. I thought I would share it with you.

    "Although life is uncertain, God is not uncertain. He still has your entire world in his hands."

    Praying for you today!