Nerves

Today is a half-day at work, so I thought I would go by there after the kids get out. It makes me nervous, though....just the anticipation. I guess I'm afraid someone is going to say something or I'm going to feel a certain way, but I can never predict those things....and that makes it kind of scary. I never know when a hard time is going to hit - it just hits. I can sometimes feel them coming....but by the time I get a bit of warning, it's too late. It's not that I don't want people to talk to me about everything or extend their condolences....it's just hard to predict how I will react.

Jeremy has agreed to getting the dog. :) Her name will be changed, though. She doesn't look like a "Carrie" to me. I'm thinking Gracie. Anyway, I hope she can be held for us until next week. We are going to the mountains this weekend, and it would be cruel to get her, bring her home and then leave her. It would be cool to be able to take her with us, but we are staying in a friend's mountain house - wouldn't be very nice to bring a dog with us.... We'll be leaving our other pets home as well. We have another dog - a rat terrier named Tucker, and we also have a cat named Sinatra. We are (or...I am..) a sucker for animals...especially animals in the shelter. I guess I feel like if I can save ONE of them, I'm doing something good. I really don't like that we have kill shelters...it's so cruel to those animals. They can't help their situations....

I'm nervous about going to the mountains. We've been wanting to go since last year. We used to live in the foothills and we fell in love with the area (Wilkesboro/Boone/West Jefferson). Since we moved back to Eastern NC, we've tried to go back at least once a year. While we lived there we became really close with two couples, and we will be visiting them while we are there. Even though we only see each other once a year, we consider them some of our best friends. I'm nervous thought that we will get all the way up there and I won't be able to handle it. Then, I'm 4 hours away from home...having a panic attack....not good. I'm going to really try to "enjoy" myself while we're there.

Ayden has been in my dreams the past few nights. When Ayden was with us, I never dreamed of him. Maybe it was because I was too exhausted to dream, but I don't remember ever dreaming of him. I dreamt of him while I was pregnant and now... One night, he was in an exersaucer (he's never been in one...) and he was just laughing away. I can still see that big grin across his face and hear that contagious little laugh. Last night, I dreamed we were in a school somewhere with my uncle and his wife (who live in Korea) and their son James. (I haven't seen them in almost 2 years!) I was supposed to take James with me, but I kept forgetting him because I was so focused on Ayden. I don't remember much....but I do remember a fire drill (????) and Ayden lying on the floor rolling over and smiling away. So proud of himself. Random dreams, but as hard as it is to see him in my dreams, I'm thankful for them. It's cruel to have to wake up and realize they aren't real....but I'll take it over nothing.

The past couple days have been okay. I can feel a "bad" day coming, though. And that's okay. I know they have to happen, and when they do, I give in and just let it happen. It's a painful feeling....the most empty, isolated feeling you could ever imagine, but I know they will lead to healing.

Jeremy and I are going to meet with a family tonight who is going through the same thing we are. They lost their 3 month old son last week to SIDS. From what I've been told, it's rare for this to happen to two babies so close together. It shouldn't happen at all. But, this is where we've found ourselves, and we can't change it. We just hope that meeting this other family will give us (and them) a source of support. Please keep them in your prayers.

Also keep baby Jonah in your prayers. I mentioned him 2 nights ago. He spiked a fever and is going to have to have chest x-rays and is receiving IV antibiotics. They suspect that he might have aspirated on his meconium, so they're keeping a close eye on him. His parents may have to go home without him, and I know that's going to be hard. Pray that they find the source of all of this and can treat him and let him go home soon.

We are coming up on a month since Ayden was taken to Heaven. I'm not big on anniversaries of sad events, so that day will probably be one where I just keep really busy and celebrate his life rather than dwelling on the loss. I sure do miss him....