I know so many of you are wondering how we are doing. We're hanging in there. I can't say the days get "easier", but they are becoming tolerable. My days are filled with ups and downs. One moment, I can be fine....the next, I can become very quiet and reserved....those are the moments when I slip into my memories....
Part of me feels like the past 4 months were a dream....like our life with him was a long, wonderful dream. Does that make sense? I don't like thinking of it that way because it lends itself to the "too good to be true" category, which isn't correct at all. He was here...and he was so real....even typing that, I can feel his weight in my arms. Perhaps God allows the past four months to feel like a dream in order to protect me from the pain. I know I will never forget Ayden...but I'm so afraid of him slipping from my mind. I'm afraid to feel any sense of normalcy again because in my mind, that means I've moved past this. I know many of you just said to yourself, "It's okay, though, to get yourself back into a routine." No offense, but you try getting back into a routine after your child has passed away....after feeling his absense for two weeks and not being able to even leave the house without your heart feeling as if it will beat out of your chest. It's not that easy.
I went "out" for the first time today. Today in itself was just busy all around. My mom and my best friend, Candi, took me to Target. We just repainted our bathroom. Robin's egg blue does not match the purple towels, accessories, and rug we have in there now. Getting out was hard. Walking through Target and having to pass the baby section was difficult. I just turned my head and acted like it wasn't there. Seeing babies....hard....I have to look away. I don't feel anger when I see these things. I don't look at babies and think to myself, "Why does that baby get to live and mine didn't?" That isn't fair....nor is it Christ-like. All babies deserve a chance at life...and what a blessing they are. Honestly, I look at other babies and my immediate thought is, "I hope his/her parents know how blessed they are and how happy that baby should make their lives." That's what I saw/see when I look at Ayden. He was, and is, such a blessing and our lives were/are happier because of him.
We have been looking into selling our house (anyone want a cute house that is in great condition and has new floors?) and trading in my car. I want to stay home with our next child (whenever that may be...hopefully next year), but there is just no way we could live off of one paycheck (believe me, I tried to figure it out all summer because I wanted to stay home with Ayden so badly!!). However, if we could sell the house and get a cheaper car payment, it would be possible. Please pray for us on this. We are more than willing to live in a small, not-so-new duplex/townhome, and I am willing to give up my Jeep for something smaller and cheaper if it means I can stay home with our next child. Just the time spent with him/her is all the fulfillment I need....money is secondary. Sure, we need money to survive, but we can live within lesser means if it means I can stay home. We looked into trading the Jeep in today.....and we're pretty much stuck with it. Not sure what's going to happen there. And with the housing market the way it is....not sure what's going to happen there either.
My short-term plan is to save as much as we can each month and see where we are with savings next June (that's when I would need to make a decision about the next school year). Either way, I have a feeling I will lean towards staying home and trying to find something part time. I just can't bring myself to put another one in day care. Please don't misunderstand - I in NO WAY blame the babysitter for what happened. However, as a mother, I can not, in good conscience, put another child in day care after this. If you're a parent, you'll understand.
What I would love to do is be able to teach via the Internet. North Carolina has a Virtual Public School, and I would absolutely LOVE to be a part of that. Teaching is a passion of mine - next to motherhood - and being able to do both, while staying at home, would just be fantastic. That way I wouldn't feel like I was "abandoning" my students because I'd still be able to teach. AND we'd have a little extra income.... We'll see. I'll just have to trust God and believe that He will provide a way for this to happen.
In the mean time - if you need a house or a cute, sporty Jeep Liberty with good mileage - let us know. We can talk prices.
Please continue to be in prayer for us and we attempt to make it through each day. This is Jeremy's last week home with me, and I'm not sure how I'll be once he goes back. I take a lot of deep breaths and look to him and God for the strength I need in those moments.
I don't "know" you but I have been following your blog and the loss of your beautiful son Ayden. I have four month old twin daughters and I can't even imagine your pain. I do admire your strength so far and I think blogging your memories is something that will help you get through the tough times and you can look back on your memories later.
ReplyDeleteI think that looking into online teaching is a great way to be able to stay home and have a little extra money. I work for an online university and I plan to do the same thing once I finish my masters degree. My sister watches my girls at home, but I hate that I am not there. I told my sister not to let the girls sleep on their bellies after reading your blog. She was letting them do that for naps and now there is no way I would let her do that again. Please know that your story is helping others and I know that is only a small bit of good that has come out of your loss.
Please know that many prayers are going your way.
I love to read your posts. I can totally understand why you would not want to put another child in daycare!!! I dont think I would ever put my future children in daycare after your story!! Not that I think that they were responible, but I think the chances of this happening when you have someone come to your house and devote all of their time to just your children is alot slimmer. I think you are an amazing person. I pray for you and your family everyday!!
ReplyDeleteJust said a prayer about you staying home very soon. I would do the same thing in your shoes. :) I stopped working and we downsized - A LOT - when we adopted some speical needs children. I couldn't in good faith leave them with anyone.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know that I pray for you and your family daily. I cannot begin to imagine all that you are going through and I know what we've been reading is only a small glimpse. I pray that God will continue to comfort and strengthen you all and that He will grant you peace in your darkest times. Your strength and faith in this situation is truly inspiring. We will continue to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteIn Christ's Love,
Melissa Parks (friend of Laura Saufley and Exie Anderson)
I will continue to pray for you and Jeremy and that you will be able to sell your house and car. I also pray that you will be able to stay at home with your next child.
ReplyDeleteI had the same feelings when I lost my son. I still have difficulty when people announce they're expecting or complain about their child not sleeping through the night. It will be a year on 11/13 since my son died. I questioned the same thing. I would never wish death on anyone, but still asked why me? why our family? Maybe God knew we could handle it and He knew what our testimony would be through this. Our pastor likened it to the story of Job. No matter the trial Job still believed and trusted God. As hard as it is to get back in the swing of things working is what helped me. I'm a teacher as well and going back helped me for a moment to focus on something else. I pray that God gives you grace to continue keeping on.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are prayers are with you during this difficult time. Just a few thoughts about your downsizing. I taught in OH, and they had a clause in your contract where you could take up to three years (unpaid) off after the birth of a child, and still be guaranteed a job in the school district. It would be a nice thing to have, knowing a job was waiting if things didn't work out financially. And if you were able to manage, you just resigned whenever you were ready. This was a very well kept secret though, and may be worth checking into for your district. For other financial matters, you may want to consider Dave Ramsey if you haven't already. He would encourage you to work your tail off the next few months (tutoring, working at a department store, etc.), pay off as much debt as possible, and then see what you can live on. He is very inspirational, and you can do much more with a small paycheck when there aren't a ton of bills looking at you every month. I'm able to stay home from teaching now, because we followed his plan. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI noticed the for sale sign, and now I understand. I'm behind on my blog reading. I will pray about your desire to downsize, and TOTALLY understand your reasons.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin bought this thing that you put in the crib/bassinet under the sheet, it's an alarm, it's flat, and you turn it on when the baby is in there. Then if it senses nothing at all, no heartbeat, nothing, it goes off. Not sure what it was called but it's something you may want to look into for the next one, for your own comfort if you leave the room or whatever. I'll ask her about it next time I talk to her.
Lynn and I had to make a lot of sacrifices in order for me to stay home with Mady, but I'm with you on the fact that money is secondary. I have looked into possibly watching another child since I'm home with Mady anyway. It might be something you want to look into. I think it's good for the children's interaction and it's also a way to earn some extra money... Just something to think about :)
ReplyDeletethis is my 2nd comment as I am catching up on your blog.
ReplyDeleteI am praying with all my soul that this comment is taken in ONLY the right way.
I too dreamed of being a stay at home mom and wasn't sure how that was going to be possible. I was a 3rd grade school teacher and was also doing Premier Designs Jewelry on the side (have you ever heard of it?) I have only been doing Premier for 6 years. I started my last year of college. I make more money doing this than I was as a teacher. I can leave my house 4-5 times a month doing jewelry shows and making an average of $800-1000 extra. And I get to work when I want to.
I am ONLY telling you this because of how much Premier has blessed our lives. I am so thankful that God brought Premier to me. It is an amazing company, built on biblical principles.
So anyway...I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to promote my business. As much as I would love to talk with you and answer questions and share this with you....I am so blessed by this company and know it could bless you. If you never talked to me again...I would be okay with that. But if anything sparks your interest, go find a Premier Jewelry lady and talk with her.
I am totaling stepping out of my comfort zone in sharing this with you. But I just don't feel right about reading this post and knowing how blessed I am, and not sharing that with you.
If you have questions, I'd be honored to answer them.