Another memory of Ayden...

This one just popped into my mind and I had to share it before I forgot it again for a while.

When I was pregnant with Ayden, he always stayed on my right side. I began to feel him early - around 16 weeks, and I could tell even then that there was more pressure on my right side. Sure enough, every ultrasound, every check-up, he was on the right side. I only remember him being on my left side a few times during his "active" time period - between 28 and 32 weeks.

Anyway, he would always face my back, so his back was exposed to my touch. I would scratch my belly as it got bigger and itchier and noticed that when I would scratch against his back, he would just wiggle and wiggle, like it tickled him. I figured I had found a tickle spot, so I would "tickle" him sometimes for fun. Feeling him move and wiggle and kick and punch...oh I miss that. I adored being pregnant....loved every second of it.

Well, once Ayden was born, I tried to find tickle spots on him. Early on, I would try the obvious areas...underarms....sides...under his neck....he didn't really respond to those (I'm not very ticklish, so I guess he took after me. Later on I did find his one tickle spot on his sides and guess's my only tickle spot, too. The kid was spit right out of me in some aspects. He had a lot of his daddy in him too, though.)

One day, I remembered when I was pregnant and how I could tickle his back. So, I tried it. Sure enough, I could run my fingers up his back and he would just wiggle and wiggle. I was just amazed by that....

While I'm sharing, I've written a lot about how Ayden is like me. I want you to know, though, he was very much his daddy's boy, too. He was very similar to Jeremy in a lot of ways.

1. from the neck down - he was Jeremy all over. Same hands...same feet...same torso... He was tall and lean and begining to get lanky in his arms and legs.

2. I talk about how his personality is a lot like mine, which is true. He had moments, though, when I would see Jeremy in him - contemplative, a "thinker" - just like Jeremy.

3. He would make faces sometimes that reminded me of Jeremy. Just certain looks, facial expressions.

I loved watching Jeremy with Ayden. He would walk him around, talk to him, and show him everything. He would take him outside and show him the trees, flowers, grass, sky, everything. I was always hesitant about taking him outside too much - just a paranoid new mom. I didn't want him to get bug bites on his pretty, fair skin. I didn't want him to sunburnt. I was afraid of germs. Silly, I know.... I had gotten better about that in the past few months. I wasn't afraid to take him places or outside....I enjoyed showing him the world. (It's also difficult, as you mothers know, to take a really young baby just we stayed home a lot until he was about 2 and a half months old.)

I found out today that Ayden might not have been asleep when everything happened. He was put down in the crib and he was sleepy. He was put down on his back. He was checked on about 15 minutes later, and he was still on his back and I think trying to roll to his side (that was how he liked to sleep). 15 minutes later, he was found on his stomach, unresponsive.

I don't believe he suffocated. I just don't. He was too strong. If he was awake...even if he was sleepy....he would have held his head up while on his stomach. I've watched him do it. He could hold his head up for a long time while on his belly.

I have to believe he was asleep. I have to believe he had fallen asleep on his side and was taken then and maybe the weight of him pulled him over. I don't know, but it's what i have to believe.

I can't change it. I was going to give the babysitter his wedge that morning because he had begun rolling over...just in case. But I thought, no...he'll be fine....he never rolls to his stomach in his sleep....he can't get himself all the way over very well yet. I could blame myself and beat myself up over not giving her the wedge, but I can't. I have to believe it was inevitable....what if it had happened with us? We wouldn't be able to forgive ourselves, and I feel certain our marriage would be suffering.

Ayden was, and is, our pride and joy and will continue to be for the rest of our lives. Words can't express how much we miss is an aching, painful feeling, and I hate every day that we have to go through this. The hurt will stay with us forever....the questions will stay with us.....but we have to believe that God had a purpose and meant for something good to come of this. We don't understand that now and probably won't for a long time. We're just thankful that we are assured to see Ayden again - we know we will.


  1. I'm so very, very sorry. Words fail me. I pray that the Peace of the Lord be with you and your family. You will hold your dear son again. All that separates you is time. God Bless.

  2. It is just the cutest thing that his little back was so ticklish, even while you were pregnant :) I think that keeping up with all of your memories is such a wonderful thing to do. How easily we can forget those little things that happen and are so precious to will forever have every memory! God Bless you and Jeremy.

  3. I love your stories about Ayden. . . Too cute that he was always on your side. . .

  4. Yes, y'all will see him again. And no, SIDS is not suffocation, totally different. Our baby was with us when he died of SIDS at a month old. He was not on his stomach and wasn't able to roll over yet. SIDS is just such a random thing, I am so sorry to know you have "joined" the same "Club" we have been in for over 6 years. But please know there is nothing that could have been done, nothing. You are a fantastic mom and your husband is a fantastic dad. He is now playing with our first born, Grayson and they are happier than we could ever imagine!!!

    We will see them again!

    Until then, y'all are in my thoughts and prayers - Kelley, Grayson's mommy forever

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  6. I once heard a eulogy given when one of our teenagers died in a car accident that went something like this: Yes, we are all sad for this loss, but it is the non-believers that should be in agony, because for them it *is* "good-bye". However for the believers it is "see you later".

    I pray for the strength, endurance, and grace of God that it will take for you guys to get through the coming days, weeks, months, and years until the time comes when you get to see your precious Ayden again.

  7. Lindsay...
    You do not know me but I know you and I work with Megan in the NICU. I do not know if she had told you my story or not, but I am the nurse she works with whose husband passed away suddenly on July 12th after only 9 precious months of marriage, the day my life was forever changed...
    I have been reading your blog, it was passed on to me by someone in my church. I have spoken with Megan several times since the day that changed your life forever...
    I probably should have commented earlier to you but I just didn't know the right words and I still do not. But I wanted to comment on your post the other day about God and the questions....I can promise you as you know there is an awesome God and without Him we wouldn't be able to face these awful days, well I know I wouldn't...this strength to get up and face the day doesn't come from myself so we must believe in God and His strength.
    I do not know what you are going thru with the loss of the child, but with the loss of my soulmate, my best friend, my team mate, my husband I can somewhat feel your pain. I pray for you and your family every night by name. If you need anything please don't hesitate to contact me or have Megan contact me. I have lots of books and resources and I don't know if you guys are interested in a grief group, but there is one starting September 14th at St.James Methodist Church if you are interested. I so wish that I didn't have to connect with you regarding any of these issues, but unfortunately I somewhat know the horrible pain you are experiencing. And I trust that one day a LONG time from now this will get easier even though now it seems like the days get harder and harder.
    Please again let me know if I can help you anyway and if you wish to follow my

  8. What wonderful memories of your little boy. Thinking of him will always make you smile. Write down every single thing, even if it seems small. You will always cherish having these memories for you and his brothers and sisters.

    I continue to pray for you and your family. My prayer is that God will give you peace and you will feel comfort from the prayers that are being said.

  9. good stories, thanks. You've become a regular part of our family prayers every night at supper. Silas always a little confused and asks who Jeremy and Lindsey are. I tell them that they are sad and they miss their little boy, that we're praying for Jesus to help them not be sad.

    Your blog made me give in to Silas' plea for me to come give him "one more hug" tonight. I'm a sucker.

    We really love you guys and you're constantly in my thoughts.