Another memory of Ayden...

This one just popped into my mind and I had to share it before I forgot it again for a while.

When I was pregnant with Ayden, he always stayed on my right side. I began to feel him early - around 16 weeks, and I could tell even then that there was more pressure on my right side. Sure enough, every ultrasound, every check-up, he was on the right side. I only remember him being on my left side a few times during his "active" time period - between 28 and 32 weeks.

Anyway, he would always face my back, so his back was exposed to my touch. I would scratch my belly as it got bigger and itchier and noticed that when I would scratch against his back, he would just wiggle and wiggle, like it tickled him. I figured I had found a tickle spot, so I would "tickle" him sometimes for fun. Feeling him move and wiggle and kick and punch...oh I miss that. I adored being pregnant....loved every second of it.

Well, once Ayden was born, I tried to find tickle spots on him. Early on, I would try the obvious areas...underarms....sides...under his neck....he didn't really respond to those (I'm not very ticklish, so I guess he took after me. Later on I did find his one tickle spot on his sides and guess what...it's my only tickle spot, too. The kid was spit right out of me in some aspects. He had a lot of his daddy in him too, though.)

One day, I remembered when I was pregnant and how I could tickle his back. So, I tried it. Sure enough, I could run my fingers up his back and he would just wiggle and wiggle. I was just amazed by that....
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While I'm sharing, I've written a lot about how Ayden is like me. I want you to know, though, he was very much his daddy's boy, too. He was very similar to Jeremy in a lot of ways.

1. from the neck down - he was Jeremy all over. Same hands...same feet...same torso... He was tall and lean and begining to get lanky in his arms and legs.

2. I talk about how his personality is a lot like mine, which is true. He had moments, though, when I would see Jeremy in him - contemplative, a "thinker" - just like Jeremy.

3. He would make faces sometimes that reminded me of Jeremy. Just certain looks, facial expressions.
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I loved watching Jeremy with Ayden. He would walk him around, talk to him, and show him everything. He would take him outside and show him the trees, flowers, grass, sky, everything. I was always hesitant about taking him outside too much - just a paranoid new mom. I didn't want him to get bug bites on his pretty, fair skin. I didn't want him to sunburnt. I was afraid of germs. Silly, I know.... I had gotten better about that in the past few months. I wasn't afraid to take him places or outside....I enjoyed showing him the world. (It's also difficult, as you mothers know, to take a really young baby just anywhere....so we stayed home a lot until he was about 2 and a half months old.)
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I found out today that Ayden might not have been asleep when everything happened. He was put down in the crib and he was sleepy. He was put down on his back. He was checked on about 15 minutes later, and he was still on his back and I think trying to roll to his side (that was how he liked to sleep). 15 minutes later, he was found on his stomach, unresponsive.

I don't believe he suffocated. I just don't. He was too strong. If he was awake...even if he was sleepy....he would have held his head up while on his stomach. I've watched him do it. He could hold his head up for a long time while on his belly.

I have to believe he was asleep. I have to believe he had fallen asleep on his side and was taken then and maybe the weight of him pulled him over. I don't know, but it's what i have to believe.

I can't change it. I was going to give the babysitter his wedge that morning because he had begun rolling over...just in case. But I thought, no...he'll be fine....he never rolls to his stomach in his sleep....he can't get himself all the way over very well yet. I could blame myself and beat myself up over not giving her the wedge, but I can't. I have to believe it was inevitable....what if it had happened with us? We wouldn't be able to forgive ourselves, and I feel certain our marriage would be suffering.

Ayden was, and is, our pride and joy and will continue to be for the rest of our lives. Words can't express how much we miss him...it is an aching, painful feeling, and I hate every day that we have to go through this. The hurt will stay with us forever....the questions will stay with us.....but we have to believe that God had a purpose and meant for something good to come of this. We don't understand that now and probably won't for a long time. We're just thankful that we are assured to see Ayden again - we know we will.