The Garden of Ayden

Today, we set out to our church's playground to plant a garden in memory of Ayden. This entailed a lot more work for the men than the women. The playground is all mulch...2 feet of it. They had to dig out a corner of the mulch...and then re-dig because I decided I wanted it bigger (don't you love that? leave it to the woman not doing the digging to say, "uumm....I pictured it bigger. Can you dig out more???) They happily did it, though. Next, the dirt had to be moved in. A LOT of dirt. That took a while to get spread out, so that was how yesterday ended. This morning, we took all of the plants out to the site. The arbor had to be put together, so while Jeremy and my dad did that, Emelie and I staged the plants. We bought 2 of most of the plants so everything could be semetric. We lined a pathway to the arbor with flowers, and on either side of the path, we have mums, aster, roses, crepe myrtles, and butterfly bushes. Behind the arbor is more aster and lillies. Then, on either side of the arbor, we planted Carolina Jasmine. I can't wait to see that Jasmine climb the arbor. We also put a butterfly house in the garden, and a bird house will also go out there. I'm not big on statues or figurines (for some reason, I always felt weird about cherubs), but my mom found one that I was okay with. It's a figurine of a little child and a bird and it reads, "Earth below, sky above, in between...a mother's love." I thought that was perfect.

Ayden loved being outside. He loved looking at trees. If we were ever out somewhere and he got fussy and we needed a quick fix - take him to see the trees. I know he would have loved his garden. When we showed up this morning, a yellow butterfly was hanging around. He fluttered around us the whole time we were there. Once we got everything planted, I think he alerted his friends, because all of a sudden, a bunch of them came from out of nowhere! I always loved watching butterflies; they remind me of children. If you ever watch two butterflies "chase" each other...it's like watching children play a game of tag. Since Ayden's passing, a butterfly has been nearby me everytime I've been outside. I believe God puts things like that in our lives to comfort us. I will always think of Ayden when I see a butterfly...

We are continuing to hang in there. The days are still hard...especially when I get still. I sat down on the couch today, and it was just Jeremy and I in the living room. I just felt such a strong sense of emptiness. I didn't know what to do....I didn't have anything to do except sit there...and I realized how much time I will now have on my hands that I don't want. That time was constantly filled with playing, feeding, changing, laughing, smiling, napping.....consumed with time spent with Ayden. Now....nothing. I continue to feel such a depth of sadness, but strangely...peace at the same time. Not a peace in the way of, "I'm at peace that my son is gone." Just a peace in knowing that God has not forsaken me...He is still by my side. And although I know His hand has been in all of this....even the death of my son...I know He is still a good, gracious, merciful God. We continue to say that we have to believe God was sparing Ayden from something.....something "worse" (I can't imagine anything much worse than this, but there are some things that we consider worse....like terminal sickness...or him being kidnapped....etc.) was going to happen, and God decided to spare us of that. I know we will see Ayden again...and believe me, I am anxiously awaiting that day.

We're still taking it one day at a time....and leaning on family and friends. Thank you all for prayers, thoughts, visits, meals, cards, kind words.....you have been a blessing.