Breathing...

Have you ever stopped and felt yourself just breathe? How you breathe in and breathe out....with no effort. However, once you pay attention to it, you breathe differently - you may breathe faster or slower....but it becomes an effort.

I take a lot of deep breaths these days. Many of them are my own effort - trying to calm myself down, stop myself from completely losing it, or just because it feels good. See a picture - deep breath; remember his smile or laugh - deep breath; someone asks, "How are you?" - deep breath; step out the door - deep breath; miss him - deep breath. Like I said, I take a lot of them.

I try to remind myself that I'm not alone in this - meaning aside from Jeremy and family. I know I'm not the only one to go through this. I know others have been impacted/touched by this. I know people are praying for and thinking of us. I know that. Feeling that, though, is a completely different thing. I'm struggling with the idea of so many people being touched by this. To be completely honest, my first thought when I hear how people have been touched/impacted is, "That's great - I'm glad - but forgive me if I don't celebrate." Lives have been touched because my son is gone - that's hard for me to understand, comprehend, and accept.

I continue to trust that God is working through this....that His plan and His will are perfect. That's hard for me to see sometimes, and I will continue to have days when I just don't understand. The days are up and down....I'm okay....then I'm not....then I have a pleading/begging session with God for peace and understanding....then I'm okay again....it goes in cycles.

Ayden's face pops into my mind and the emotions flood in. I see images of him smiling, laughing, playing, crying, sleeping, looking at me, looking at Jeremy....and then I see images from that day. I hate that I have those memories....memories of my son, lifeless in my arms. That feeling of helplessness....looking down at his beautiful face, knowing it was the last time I'd hold him. Why do I have to live those memories every day? Why did God think I could deal with this?

I plan to find a support group. I want to talk to people who have been through this and managed to keep moving forward and find joy again. I find comfort in a select few people, and they aren't people many of you would imagine me to jump to. My midwife for one - I didn't know her well; I had only seen her twice (I believe) before Ayden was born. When I went into labor, she had just started her shift, and she was there through it all (I was in labor for a while). She put me at ease, she made me feel safe, and she was a part of the happiest moment of our lives. That's a big connection, to me. So, when all of this happened, I had this incredible need to talk to her, and she came....almost immediately. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. Not many medical professionals would do that, but she did, and she has been an encouragement.

Thank you all...again...for your many prayers and words of encouragement. They do not go unnoticed. We read every comment, message, card, etc. Although, at times, I feel very alone, I do try to remind myself often that so many of you continue to think of us, pray for us, and feel for us....