Breathing...


8 comments
Have you ever stopped and felt yourself just breathe? How you breathe in and breathe out....with no effort. However, once you pay attention to it, you breathe differently - you may breathe faster or slower....but it becomes an effort.

I take a lot of deep breaths these days. Many of them are my own effort - trying to calm myself down, stop myself from completely losing it, or just because it feels good. See a picture - deep breath; remember his smile or laugh - deep breath; someone asks, "How are you?" - deep breath; step out the door - deep breath; miss him - deep breath. Like I said, I take a lot of them.

I try to remind myself that I'm not alone in this - meaning aside from Jeremy and family. I know I'm not the only one to go through this. I know others have been impacted/touched by this. I know people are praying for and thinking of us. I know that. Feeling that, though, is a completely different thing. I'm struggling with the idea of so many people being touched by this. To be completely honest, my first thought when I hear how people have been touched/impacted is, "That's great - I'm glad - but forgive me if I don't celebrate." Lives have been touched because my son is gone - that's hard for me to understand, comprehend, and accept.

I continue to trust that God is working through this....that His plan and His will are perfect. That's hard for me to see sometimes, and I will continue to have days when I just don't understand. The days are up and down....I'm okay....then I'm not....then I have a pleading/begging session with God for peace and understanding....then I'm okay again....it goes in cycles.

Ayden's face pops into my mind and the emotions flood in. I see images of him smiling, laughing, playing, crying, sleeping, looking at me, looking at Jeremy....and then I see images from that day. I hate that I have those memories....memories of my son, lifeless in my arms. That feeling of helplessness....looking down at his beautiful face, knowing it was the last time I'd hold him. Why do I have to live those memories every day? Why did God think I could deal with this?

I plan to find a support group. I want to talk to people who have been through this and managed to keep moving forward and find joy again. I find comfort in a select few people, and they aren't people many of you would imagine me to jump to. My midwife for one - I didn't know her well; I had only seen her twice (I believe) before Ayden was born. When I went into labor, she had just started her shift, and she was there through it all (I was in labor for a while). She put me at ease, she made me feel safe, and she was a part of the happiest moment of our lives. That's a big connection, to me. So, when all of this happened, I had this incredible need to talk to her, and she came....almost immediately. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. Not many medical professionals would do that, but she did, and she has been an encouragement.

Thank you all...again...for your many prayers and words of encouragement. They do not go unnoticed. We read every comment, message, card, etc. Although, at times, I feel very alone, I do try to remind myself often that so many of you continue to think of us, pray for us, and feel for us....

8 comments:

  1. Lindsay, I think of ya'll so many times a day, everyday. I am so hurt for all of you, and I, myself, am having a hard time understanding why. I do know and have faith that God does have a perfect plan and a perfect will. As humans and as parents, while we know that, I can only imagine the hurt would be excrutiating. I can understand only a portion of the hurt you feel. I hurt for ya'll everyday, it has saddened me beyond belief and yet I cannot fathom how hurt you feel every minute of every day. I pray so hard for you everyday that you will find peace and be able to move through the days and nights to come without being in such torment.

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  2. My heart goes out to you and your family. Although our situations are completely different, I know your pain too well. I'm a mom of 13. By God's grace, I have 2 little boys here on earth and 11 angels in Heaven. I lost my children in utero. Please know that you're NOT alone and it doesn't get easier, just a bit more tolerable...if that makes sense. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

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  3. My heart goes out to you and your family. Although our situations are completely different, I know your pain too well. I'm a mom of 13. By God's grace, I have 2 little boys here on earth and 11 angels in Heaven. I lost my children in utero. Please know that you're NOT alone and it doesn't get easier, just a bit more tolerable...if that makes sense. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

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  4. My heart goes out to you and your family. Although our situations are completely different, I know your pain too well. I'm a mom of 13. By God's grace, I have 2 little boys here on earth and 11 angels in Heaven. I lost my children in utero. Please know that you're NOT alone and it doesn't get easier, just a bit more tolerable...if that makes sense. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

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  5. I think a support group is a terrific idea. It's one thing to hear about this or that person who has gone through that, but an entirely different thing to carry on a conversation with someone who actually is going through it too. I will specifically pray that you find a group that is perfect for you and that it will be a huge benefit to you and your healing process.

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  6. Hey there, I am one of the ones that you hear from that also lost her first born (Grayson) to SIDS. Just want you to know you and your husband are in my thoughts often.

    I felt like I would never feel better and be "normal" again. Although it was a new "normal" I finally got to, I did get there. It took me a while to be able to look at Grayson's pictures or even hear his name, but now seeing pictures and saying his name is a blessing!

    I know what your are going through and I am deeply sorry. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

    But yes, you are right, we will see our little boys again, you can count on that!!! Until then, they are having the BEST time ever, we are the ones hurting. Jesus is holding them and giving them love we can only imagine. They were just too good for this world.

    Do join a support group, it saved me. I even met a SIDS mom online in a support group and she ended up flying to Alabama from TX and spent a weekend with us, it was such a comforting weekend and 6 years later we remain close.

    Lean on support, let it carry y'all through this difficult period. God is sending you people to help.

    Thinking and praying for y'all -Kelley
    http://tutusandchoochoos.blogspot.com

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  7. I am so sorry you are going through this. We faced this many years ago. Our son only lived 12 hrs.. Things have progressed since then (medically)and I still think about "had it been now instead of yrs. ago".

    I know you plan to have other children. That could NEVER replace this one.

    We had another child 3 yrs. later. My mistake with that second child was (even after 3 yrs.) I can look back and see how I was too smothering. I was SO afraid of something happening. I wanted her with me 24/7. I would wake up in the night just to make sure she was alive.The entire pregnancy I was terrified something would go wrong.

    Our son was born too early and only lived 12 hrs.. I never got to hold him, etc.. It's devastating to bury your own child. I can so relate.

    God will get you through this. I know you find that so hard right now, but he got me through it.

    God bless you and your family. Find a support group. Pray about it.

    Jann in Georgia

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  8. We dont know each other, but I read your blog faithfully. My heart hurts tremendously for you. I am truly amazed at your strength and courage. You have such a strong belief in God and that is to be truly admired. That faith will be what gets you through this tragedy. Though I dont know you I admire you in so many ways. I will continue to pray for you and Jeremy.

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