Today

I forced myself to look at pictures today. That was painful. Up until now, I've avoided the pictures and the videos - only glancing at them and then looking away. I did lock myself in my room one morning to watch the video that was played at Ayden's service. That led to weeping and a feeling of emptiness like no other. Hence the difficulty since then to look at pictures or videos.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, all of this hasn't felt real. It's felt like a dream.....like, "this is my reality for today, but tomorrow it'll go back to the way it was." But it never does. I still feel like someone (I don't know who I expect that someone to be) is going to walk in the door holding him and he'll be back with us. Looking at the pictures today made it all more real, and the hurt set in. I told God that I was tired of feeling this, that I didn't ask for this. I continue to ask why....why Ayden? Why us? I've been told I'm inspirational, my faith is amazing, I'm a living testimony - I didn't ask for that; I don't want it anymore. I don't understand why God had to choose us for this. All I want is my son.

I've read several stories of parents whose children passed away due to SIDS. They all seemed to react differently than I did to the cause being "SIDS." They were all angry, at a loss, blaming themselves. I knew it couldn't have been anything but SIDS because I knew Ayden was perfectly healthy, strong, capable of finding a way to breathe, etc. So, when the report came back that it was SIDS, I was actually comforted. SIDS is unpredictable and unpreventable. How do you prevent the unpreventable? Sure, you can take precautions - which we did....we did everything right....we were the most paranoid parents you could find! I used to talk about the lack of sleep I got, and some of that was attributed to Ayden's restlessness at night, but honestly - it was mostly me. I would lie awake and watch/listen to him breathe and pray and pray and pray...almost ceaselessly for hours on end. I let him sleep on me every night because I knew if he was closeby, I could watch him and protect him. There was no denying that he was in a safe, secure, protected, loving, nurturing environment. Why is that this seems to happen to the most unexpected of children? I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I'm not saying any child is deserving of this....oh gosh, not at all.... Many of the parents I read about were upset because of the lack of warning. While that upsets me too, I guess that thought wasn't at the front of my mind because I knew to begin with that he didn't "belong" to me. I knew he could be taken at any time and that I would have no choice but to accept it as God's will.

When Ayden came into this world, I was almost afraid to give in and become fully attached for the fear of this exact situation. That sounds awful doesn't it? But I think it's completely natural to almost distance yourself just the least bit in order to protect yourself from being completely and utterly devastated. Of course, I became completely attached. I've commented on the love that is shared between mother and child - it's like no emotion/feeling I've ever experienced. It is so pure, so distinct, so true....the amount of love I feel for him causes my whole body to ache. So, the loss of him and the subsequent emptiness....it's a pain I never want to experience ever again. And the worst part is that I know I will feel this pain for the rest of my life. This is what led into my pleading session with God today - I couldn't take it anymore....I don't want to feel this anymore....I don't want this to be my life anymore....I begged, pleaded, and promised to continue to serve Him, but I told Him I needed Him to relieve the pain in some way.

I've often wondered why it is so easy for me to have faith. However, I get halfway through that question/pondering in my mind and then realize I should consider myself blessed to have such a faith. I lived a sheltered life growing up, but once I got to college, I seriously questioned my faith. Not to the degree of refuting what I believed, but definitely to the level of re-evaluating some things I had grown up believing. I learned for myself that doctrine and God's word are two completely different things. What a crossroads that was. Why do we believe we can put standards on God's word? Who are we to believe we have that power? We are so simple-minded. My parents were the best spiritual examples - so strong in faith. They could find and show me God in every situation - good or bad - and they could back it up. I guess that's why my faith is so unshakeable - I know it's true. When I had questions - they listened and encouraged me search God's word - and I did - and I found my answers.

I hope Ayden would have looked to us as spiritual examples. I feel certain that he would have. Eventhough, being so young, he didn't understand a lot of the world around him, we still made a conscious effort to be good examples for him. Our lives changed drastically. I was more aware of our actions, our attitudes, our tones, everything. Something as simple as TV - I couldn't bear to have a TV show on that had profanity in it - I didn't want him to hear it. Frustration - I didn't want him to see us exhibit that. Anger - certainly not (that has never been an issue with us anyway....thank God) Fear - didn't want him to feel it. I know I wouldn't have been able to protect him from all of that, but I COULD be a parent that did not exhibit those things in front of my child. At least my actions were in my control. I'm not saying I'm the ideal parent, but I just want to do what I feel works best for me as a parent - and this is what works for us. Everyone's parenting style is different, so please don't feel as if I've gotten on my soapbox....I'm just voicing my own convictions. I hope Ayden would have recognized all of that - everything we attempted to shield him from - and know that it was because we love him more than anything is this world and we just wanted him to see the good and GOD in everything. That begins with us.

I have managed to meander within my thoughts....rambling is something I tend to do when writing. Ayden's journal that I kept from the day I found out I was pregnant with him is full of my ramblings. Why I felt the need to map out 3 generations of his geneaology for him in his journal is beyond me, but I did it. I know he would have found that journal humorous.... I can imagine him (we were going to give it to him when he turned 13, or 16, or 18 - hadn't decided yet) saying, "Mom...I really didn't need to know every detail about what was going on with you when you were pregnant." I had great plans for embarassing him - we were going to have the best relationship. It was already forming....you could see it. He had a way of connecting with me that was different than the way he connected with Jeremy. At 4 months old...to already see that connection forming....it was so awesome.

We continue to be so proud of Ayden. We will be for the rest of our lives. I still talk about his accomplishments, how he was so advanced for his age, just how wonderful he is. He's mine, I'm allowed, and I think he is absolutely the most wonderful child to ever be born into this world. He's making a splash in Heaven. I can just see/hear them all..."Have you met Ayden yet? Oh, he's a wonderful child - so joyful, so exhuberant, so full of spirit. What a blessing he is and always will be to his earthly family. How blessed they were, and are, to know him. What a reunion they will have with him someday!" Yes....what a reunion it will be....to be reunited with Ayden and to see Jesus face to face...

While it hurts so badly to miss him, and I continue to struggle through each day, I'm forever thankful that I have the assurane of seeing him again. If I didn't have that promise, I can assure you my life would be completely different at this moment.....

Resting on the promises....