Another day

Quick message to Kelley (Tutus and Choo Choos): I got your message but couldn't send you one back on your page. Wanted to be sure you saw it. Thank you so much for your message. It uplifted me to hear from someone who knows this pain. Your message was encouraging. Thank you. I hope we can stay in touch.

Sage's Mom: Thank you as well. Your words brought me comfort. You too have been an encouragement. Thank you. It's nice to know there are Moms I can actually be in contact with who can relate.

Today was a busier-than-usual day. I had to meet with my midwife so she could fill out some papers for me for work. I would tell you her name, but I don't want you all to take her away from me. She's a wonderful person, and if you're one of her patients - lucky you! Anyway, we had a nice visit. I look forward to "bugging" her at work because she brings me a lot of comfort. Like I said in an earlier post, there a certain people I feel comfortable talking with right now, aside from family and Jeremy of course. My midwife is one = she just makes me feel at ease (she's in the right profession because I know she will, unfortunately, deal with loss on many occasions. Her compassion will touch many womens' lives as she continues...I hope she never leaves Greenville). My friend, Candi, is another. Candi was with me in the emergency room and has been a constant comfort since. I can talk to her more easily that others, and I can let it all go with her. And she lets me. That's what I need.

I had to go to work today to turn in paperwork for leave. I think I have decided to go back to work in January. I'm not ruling out going back earlier, but I realized today that I am in no way ready to go back anytime soon. I will have to go on short-term disability and will lose my benefits for about a month and a half, and my pay will be cut in half, but we'll be okay. I'm not worried about money right now. I have to get myself straight right now.

Jeremy came with me to school, and we ate lunch with my department (English dept.). It was nice to see them all. My intern was there too, so I got to visit with her a bit as well. I hate that I'm not there for her, but she's in good hands. I'm looking forward to watching her do her teaching next semester. I think she's going to do a great job! Anyway, the visit with my English friends was nice. Helped get my mind off things and made me feel "back in the loop" again. If I could go to work and just hang out all day, I'd be okay. However, I became quickly overwhelmed. Students were seeing me there and coming up to me, asking how I was. It was nice to see them and to feel so missed. I walked into the library, and my 4th period was in there. I hadn't met them yet. Then, all of a sudden, there they were...all 35 of them....and my mind could not get into teacher mode. I became very overwhelmed and had to walk out. I went to Candi's room to "re-group" and talked with her about where my head is right now. Like I said, with Candi I can let it all go... Sorry I made you cry, Candi....

After we left, we went to a few banks to look into re-financing our house and the Jeep. I love my Jeep....but I'm still not able to get into it. I want to, but I'm not sure that selling isn't the better idea....because I don't know if I'll ever be able to get into it again. That may sound silly; I know it's just a car, but my fondest memories in the Jeep are with Ayden. Everytime I look at it, I see us bringing him home from the hospital, taking him to church, his little face reflected back at me from the backseat, taking him in and out..... it's hard. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at it smile because of all of the happy memories....but not right now.

Pretty much, with the house...we're only going to be able to lower our payment just a little bit. With the car - we're pretty much stuck. Every little bit helps, but now we just need to decide if it's better to try to sell the house or re-finance. I guess that'll depend on what the house appraises for. I wish this aspect of life was easier.... I hate money, and I hate that it controls everything. If I want to stay home with our next child, though, we will make it happen....

I read a lot of comments recently. Thanks to those of you who have left comments - I do read them. I probably won't be able to reply to many, but please know I read them and appreciate them. We have been blessed with awesome support groups - friends, church friends, family, colleauges, and perfect strangers. Thank you all - your prayers mean so much to us and are helping us get through each day.


  1. Lindsay,

    Only you and God know what is best for you. It sounds like you are making wise decisions.

    I am thankful that you have people that you feel at ease That is a gift.


  2. Hi Lindsay, I found you on facebook and just sent a friend request. I'm not a weirdo or anything, just another mom who shares some of your pain. We had three late term miscarriages and also lost our 21 week son, Evan. We weren't able to see our babies smile or laugh. I don't have memories of their giggles to break and melt my heart. I've always kind of considered that sort of a blessing and a curse at the same time. Anyway, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm praying for you and your husband.

  3. It sounds like you have lots of options, and options are good.

    One step at a time...

    praying for you guys daily--

  4. I am glad you had a little more of a normal day today!!! I am still praying for you and your family everyday. Keep taking one day at a time or every second at a time if thats what it takes!!

    Hugs from Georgia


  5. Lindsay

    My heart breaks for your. I hope you can work out the house/car issues soon.

    In my thoughts and prayers,

    Your stranger friend in India

  6. Oh gosh, please forgive me that you couldn't get in touch with me. E mail me at I am here for you anytime!!! I am so glad I can help you in any way. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Lindsay, I couldn't drive our Volvo station wagon for a long time either because that is what we drove Grayson around in. I also couldn't go back to work for a while. I know how you feel about hating money! It does stink that you have to think about it at a time like this! I'm glad, though, to hear you are taking it easy on yourself, you really need that right now.

    It really is all about "survival" at this time...but remember, it won't always be this way. I promise.

    Thinking of you, and of course, praying for you!!!
    Kelley, Grayson's mommy forever

    **Also, have you received the book "SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide" by Joani Nelson Horchler & Robin Rice?

    Unless they have started selling it in bookstores in that past several years, the only way you can get it is through someone. Lloyd Bridges, the actor, helped write the book as well. He too lost his baby to SIDS. The book is like a Bible to SIDS moms...let me know if you have it.

  8. I wish I could have seen you Thursday, but I understand if you needed to be away. I'm really glad that you've found some people to turn to.

    If you have any thoughts about selling your house, then it would not be wise to refinance right now, especially if it will only change your payment a little bit. It could hurt you when you do decide to sell. Would be glad to discuss this with you if you'd like.

    Still thinking of you and praying for you every day!

  9. I hope you have a some good moments today. Only days after Sage died our Mini Van got totaled in an accident. It was so hard to let the Van go but good in some ways. We own our house and our Sage passed away at home. We have struggled so much with do we stay or do we go. It is such a hard decision, so much good so much bad, so painful to think of both.

    Still thinking about you and your family. Praying and hoping your hanging in there.