An apology and the daily update...

First the apology:

If you sit behind, or near, us during worship - I apologize if I have made you cry. I'm unable to hold it together during worship, especially during the music. I try to sing, but I mostly have to mouth the words - even that is difficult because I can't keep my mouth from quivering. I often have to keep the radio off in the car for fear that one of the many songs that relate to our current situation will come on. I know it's okay to lose it....believe me, I know. But there are times when I don't want to...when I want to go five minutes feeling "normal".

We sang Chris Tomlin's "Amazing Grace" in worship on Sunday. I've always paid attention to the words I sing; however, I will admit that I like EVERYONE have simply gone through the motions during worship and just sang the songs. Now...every word penetrates me. Every word hits me so differently. A song as old and commonly known as Amazing Grace (although this one is a little different), a song I have known my whole life, has a different meaning. I've included the lyrics and bolded the ones that threw me into an emotional whirwind Sunday. I wonder if I will continue to cry every Sunday....probably. Again, I apologize if I've caused you to cry.... Oh, and if anyone can please tell me the name of the little girl who hugs me every Sunday, I would greatly appreciate it. The Sunday after Ayden's celebration service, we sat behind her and her dad. After service, her dad said she asked if she could hug me, and of course I said yes! Who could ever turn down something so precious. She touched me with her compassion and has given me a hug every Sunday since. I hope she nevers stops....I just wish I knew her name. What a sweet girl - she has been such an encouragement.

"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)"

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see'

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

I've mentioned that going out of the house overwhelms me. Many of you keep telling me I need to get out; I can't sit in the house all day. I know, and I force myself to get out at least once a day. However, there are many reasons WHY it's difficult to get out. Not to offend anyone, but everyday, run-of-the-mill questions that you receive ARE not so for me. Anticipating the following questions/situations fill me with fear and cause me to avoid populated places:

1. How are you doing today? (asked with a cheesy grin on the person's face)
2. So, do you guys have any kids?
3. What's been going on with you the past couple of months?
4. How was your summer?
5. How is work?
6. Didn't you have a baby?

I know I can't let these questions keep me from moving forward, and I'm not. I think I'm more afraid of my reaction to these questions than the questions themselves. I know I will have to answer every one of them, and I know I will most likely break down when I do. And I will also know that it's okay.

Today was pretty uneventful. I didn't get out of bed until about 10:30. I had been awake, but kept going in and out of sleep. I had several dreams, but one stood out to me. There wasn't much to it, but it was so vivid. I was walking on the side of a road. The landscape looked like Arizona to me (it's the only southwestern state I've spent a lot of time in, so I guess my mind chose images related to the landscape in Arizona) I remember the side of the black pavement, and the white line (whatever it's for), and I remember red rocks under feet. At first, I was walking, and I was holding Ayden. Then, I was running, and Ayden wasn't there. I remember how frantic I felt, how panicked I was, almost hyperventilating, but I was running towards nothing....just road...and mountains up ahead. I remember the helplessness I felt because that is all too real feeling for me right now. I can feel the panic and every shallow breath I took - and it was all a dream. I get what the dream is about, but I wish I didn't have dreams like these.

My "get-out-of-the-house" task of the day was to get our payments set up at Pinewood (the memorial park where we chose to put Ayden). Jeremy and I are reserving the plots directly across from Ayden. Oh, what a glorious thought came to mind just now. Say Jesus doesn't come back in our lifetime...there we are....across from our son, waiting for him to call our earthly bodies up to be made glorious, and as we rise....we rise together....the three of us. Oh, my eyes just flooded with tears. Oh, Lord...please come quickly.

After that, I went with my mom and sister to Michael's to get stuff. I bought flowers for Ayden's vase - very fall-like bouquet - Megan says it's depressing, but I think it's pretty, so it goes. Then, we went out to the church to check on Ayden's garden. I love that it's in the playground...a child's garden in a play of so much joy and happiness. The sound of laughter surrounding his memorial garden....beautiful. We had to add the butterfly house to the garden and replace two crepe myrtles that weren't going to make it (sorry Candi -we tried!!!). The butterfly post looks so pretty. A bird house is coming soon, which will have Ayden's name painted onto it. A bench will also be put in the garden underneath the arbor. I'm not big on cement benches...they're old fashioned, and you only see them in, they're crazy expensive. I vote for a plain, wraught-iron bench with a plaque attached to it. I favor simplicity.

Jeremy was able to meet us at the garden after his first day back to work. It was a rough morning for him. First day back...memories of his last first day of school....out of the comfort of your home where you've been the past 2 weeks....and away from your wife who is your constant support. I can imagine he was overwhelmed from the second he drove into the school's parking lot. The anticipation of people talking to him, asking questions, just hitting him from all sides... He had to compose himself during his planning period in order to handle the rest of the day. I wish so badly that I had known - I would have been there. However, there will be times, for both of us, when we just need to be alone....we need to let the emotions out on our own. I believe we are past the questioning stage, because we know what happened to Ayden, and we've accepted. AND, we know where Ayden is - so we are secure in knowing that Ayden is sitting on the lap of Jesus, smiling and cooing away - filling his heart with overflowing of love he gave to us each day.

NOW - we miss him...more and more with each passing second. And that loss, that void, is so difficult. I hate feeling it and knowing the one thing that can fill that emptiness will never be able to again. I HATE THAT. I miss holding him, kissing him, squishing my cheeks up against his soft, squishy cheeks. I miss those legs that move a hundred miles a minute but never got him far, I miss the wonder in his eyes....that spark I've mentioned, I miss his personality, his laugh, his gorgeous smile, his curl on top of his head, his big hands and feet, his snore, his "talking" sessions. I miss every ounce of that little man, and I just wish God could give me one more day....just one more day with him.

I never knew the true meaning of "heartache" until now. I've used the term several times in my lifetime, but have never actually known heartache. When Ayden passed, my heart and my whole body literally ached with pain. They still do at times like this...when all I can think about is how much I desperately want to hold him again and just look into those blue eyes and that beautiful face. It's the low moments like this that make me ask myself when it'll ever get easier.

I have had good days. I think I had one when I didn't cry (granted, I was busy all day long and distracted). But I feel badly for having a day when I didn't cry, when I didn't think about how much I miss him. There are days when I can think of Ayden and smile, and I can talk about him and laugh about him and his silly ways. But then, there are days when I cringe to hear anything dealing with the service or the graveside or to hear something someone wants me know about how touched they were....

Some days, I can handle it all and be strong. Others (which are more frequent) - I can't. I guess people will just have to accept that it is very likely that I am going to cry at some point during a gathering, outing, meal, holiday, etc. Just expect it, and let me deal with by myself - or with Jeremy if I request him.

Most days, I am able to get up and get moving....and that is a small accomplishment in itself. I'm able to move through the day distracted by "errands" that aren't really errands. They're just things to do to get me out of the house. But I am thankful that I have my mom and my sister with me. Without them, I know I was stay in bed until something....lie back down....and then get up to get a shower around 4. We will continue to need people to get us out of the house....out to dinner...our for ice cream....out for coffee....anything. Because, once my mom and sister are no longer here with me - it's just me. I'm determined to keep moving and not stay stuck in the house, but I know there will days when that's all I can manage to do that day.

Luckily, after Thanksgiving, I will have something to keep me moving and getting out. Some friends of ours are expecting their baby boy, Jonah, any day now. I've offered to help once they take him home and dad goes back to work. I'd love to be there to just help in any way I can....allow Anna to get a nap....clean up....ease her fears of completely ruining him. Then, once Anna goes back to work, I will be watching Jonah for her until I go back to work in January. I'm looking forward to it. I will probably cry, many times. I will feel overwhelmed at first. However, I must force myself to be around babies again. I don't completely avoid them, but I do look away before I completely lose it and begin sobbing. Keeping Jonah will be good for me. We're going to have lots of fun. I'm really looking forward to it.

I guess that's it for tonight. Ambien is kicking in big time....

Please continue to be in prayer for us that God will see fit to grant us our hearts' desires.....
And also pray for peace, comfort, and grace.



  1. Just a stranger following your story. I have a son same age as your Ayden. I'm so very glad to hear that you'll be keeping Jonah. I'm sure he will be such a welcomed change. Hang in there!

  2. have you checked the directory to see if you recognize a picture of the little girl?

    and i think keeping Jonah when he arrives sounds like a great idea. you will do a wonderful job--though it will be hard at first.

    can't wait to see the additions to the garden!

  3. Dear Lindsay,
    I can't wait for you to keep me:) My mom couldn't have asked for a better helper or friend. I know I will be loved to pieces. I will love you right back!
    Jonah Sams
    (aka you Lindsay!)

  4. Oh how I remember the "questions"...still get them. "How many kids to you have" "Did you adopt Emily because you didn't think you could get pregnant..." They will never end, but you will get stronger and able to answer without tears. I also remember the Ambien!
    Thinking about you - Kelley

  5. You have such a sweet is evident in your posts.

    Your apology is well stated, but I think that it is good that people can see how heartbroken you really are. For those who haven't lost a child, there is no way that they can even come close to imagining what it would be like. All parents let it run through their mind and they try to think about the worst possible pain that they could feel if it happened to them, but still, until it does happen, there is just no way to experience that agony.

    So, let it all out whenever you need to. Grief is about you and whatever you need to do to get through it, not what other people expect.

    Since our 2 year old son died last August, I feel the same way about all of the songs and hymns that I have been singing my entire life. They all have an entirely different meaning to me now...they actually MEAN something to me. The anticipation of heaven and how wonderful it will be...oh! I can hardly wait! I love the way you said that every word penetrates you. It is so true for me and my husband as well. And, as much as it hurts, I can't help but feel blessed that I am not just singing the words anymore, but actually experiencing the message in the song.

    And, like you, I turn down the radio when "those songs" come on. Sometimes, it is a good thing not to lose it. I am just now after 13months able to not cry when I see all of those "reminders" in the store. I am just now able to look at other little boys without sobbing uncontrollably.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that we both know the reality of this pain. It just doesn't seem right that anyone should have to feel this way, but I too, am confident in God's sovereignty and plan.

    I am waiting for Jesus' return with as much anticipation as you are! Won't it be glorious when we all rise! I can't wait to hold my son again.

    With many tears for you,

  6. God bless you Lindsay. I know your heart is so heavy and burdened right now. You are so strong and brave even though I am betting you doubt that many days. I will continue to pray for you & Jeremy.

    I know Anna...I am a patient in her office. Anna is a precious person just like you. I think baby Jonah will be good for you. Baby Jonah couldnt be more lucky to have such a wonderful person to watch over him.

  7. so much of this post resonated with me. i never knew heartache until now either. ((hugs))