Rare morning post....

Well, it's somewhat "morning". It's 12:40. I've been up since 10 but awake since 8ish. I always dream in the morning, so I'm usually awake around 7ish and in and out of dreams until 9. I guess it's an effect of the ambien...and coming out of the "ambien coma" as I like to call it. I have one refill left, but I don't think I'm going to use it. I hate taking medicine...but I knew I would need help sleeping. I'm finally not waking up at 5 like I always did....that was morning cuddle time with Ayden. For the first month afterwards, I woke up every morning at 5. You can imagine how that went.

Last night was a tough night. I won't say much about it except that last night was a first and definitely not a last. I was texting a friend of mine back and forth and let her in on some feelings I had been experiencing....feelings I haven't shared with many people. Just struggling with why God let this happen to us.....wondering if I am supposed to learn something from this because I certainly didn't need to learn a lesson this way.....struggling with wanting another baby so badly but feeling like I'm betraying Ayden by doing so.....and also struggling with the fact that it could possibly take a while. So, with all of that, on top of the obvious void that I'm faced with every day....I quickly became a wreck. I was alone. Jeremy was on his way home (he picks up on my moments...i don't know how he does because I try to sound "okay" over the phone, but he knows me much too well.....and I'm glad he does). So, I just let it out.....and it just came, and came, and came.....ceaseless sobbing. I hadn't experienced such a depth of vulnerability until then. Then, as usual, my body was just tired...and it ended.... In those moments, I have to look at Ayden and watch videos of him. I don't know why, because it just makes it worse, but ultimately it makes me feel closer to him. To see him laughing and smiling....I'm reminded that he's okay. It's hard to explain how I feel in those moments.....I'm sad because he isn't here, but when i see him I can't help but smile through the tears and be thankful for the fact that that little person....that happy, beautiful, innocent, precious little boy is mine. Although he isn't here to comfort me (and in those moments....I just need him.....), I can look at him and go back to our happy times together. We will have those happy times again.

By the time Jeremy got home, the moment had come and gone and I was watching a movie. I finally slept well....didn't wake up much throughout the night. And had a wonderful dream about my cousin, Jeannie. I don't remember much except her face....and we were at McDonalds. When I'm having a really bad day, I call her....and she can make it a little better. I'll have to post a picture of Jeannie and I sometime.....we are 2nd cousins but are mistaken for sisters all the time. Love her so much....

Okay, I've reached the point of rambling and writing about things you probably don't care to know. Hope you all enjoy your Saturday. We are cleaning and washing today.....fun, fun.



  1. I still can't imagine what you are going through...but I am heartbroken for you!

    I am definitely praying for you!!!

  2. My heart aches for you every day Lindsay. You continue to be in my prayers.

  3. My heart still goes out to you. I have no idea what you're feeling but when I even try to imagine your pain my heart hurts. I love you and pray for you often!

  4. Praying for you today! I am glad to read the cleaning was productive. . . Hugs! I hope we can have lunch soon.