A Better Day

Jeremy and I spent most of our day cleaning. I'd like to say that we covered the entire house and that everything is sparkly clean. Nope....I think we achieved getting half of the laundry done, straightening up in the kitchen, sweeping/swiffering, cleaning our bathroom, and de-cluttering (sorta) our bedroom. Our bedroom usually gets neglected most. That's where the piles and stacks can be found. If you ever visit us, you'll notice that our bedroom door stays shut....now you know why. We have a beautiful comforter set....but we rarely make the bed, so our pretty pillows don't get put on display like I would prefer. Ahhh....one day, we'll be those people who keep the house clean all the time.......maybe.

I did clean out the top drawer of my bedside table for the first time in almost 5 years......found some interesting stuff in there - one thing being the card Jeremy gave me on our first anniversary. I made sure I kept that. I also found tons of pens, and i'm always complaining that we have no pens around here. Not anymore!

Here's some more stuff I found:

- Old paycheck stubs
- Birthday cards from 3 years ago....or more
- Dr. appt. receipts - Stationary
- An eyeliner sharpener
- 4 old wallets/checkbook holders
- Medicine I was prescribed but hardly took....
- Pictures of my sister and other friends from high school
- A laminated picture of my cousin Jeannie - her bridal portrait (I used to keep it with me but switched wallets and couldn't find it - i was so happy to find it!)
- The adapter to Jeremy's massager I gave him for Christmas 3 years ago
- 2 old cell phones
- My favorite picture of myself and my freshman-year roommate, Amy

It's crazy the stuff you can find tucked away in small spaces. I threw a lot of the above stuff away, aside from pictures. I have felt the need to minimize a lot lately. I go with the idea of, "If I haven't used it/needed it for a year, it needs to go." I started this process during the few workdays I was at school this fall. Since everything has happened....I've continued to feel the need to minimize. I no longer see the need in having a lot of stuff. Because the more you have, the more you are likely to set aside and stuff into the small spaces....and then it all goes to waste. Since I want to be a stay-at-home mom, we know this will require a huge change in lifestyle for us. No more eating out, no more treats at Coldstone or Starbucks. No more just picking stuff up at Target whether we need it or not. No more elaborate gifts (on a teacher's salary, they don't get too elaborate to begin with). No more new/full-price clothes. No more letting left overs go to waste. A lot of sacrifices that are well worth letting go if it means I can stay home.

I wanted so badly to stay home with Ayden. I remember dropping him off on the first day of school and saying to him, "I wish I didn't have to leave you. I want to be with you all day." My heart was no longer with my job. My heart was with my little boy. I hate that that was my last day with him......but I'm so thankful that I got nearly four months with him....every single day....(with the exception of the four we were in CA and the week I went back to work for workdays). I wouldn't trade that time for anything...ever. Ayden showed me what I'm meant to be - a mom. I'm not saying anything against being a working mom. I remember thinking that I would be so glad once school started back because I'd miss adult interaction and conversation. Boy was I wrong. I'd take listening to Ayden "talk" to me all day over the latter. Being with him was so much more important to me. My priorities changed immediately, and nothing else mattered anymore. And when I saw that change occur in me, I knew a change in paths was going to be needed soon. I was going to work this year because i felt I had to help us make ends meet. But I'm not going to worry about that anymore. I'd rather stay at home, do without, and be happy than be at work, not putting my heart into it, wishing I was somewhere else. Hopefully, I'll have a reason for this "change of path" soon.......I pray for it every day.

For now, though, I will return to work in January and get back to my classroom. I couldn't miss out on the kids that I'll have in January. I hate that I'm missing out on the students in my class now, and I hope they understand why I can't come back just yet. However, I'm glad I'm giving myself the time to get my mindset back to where it needs to be in order to get back into that role. It hasn't been until recently that I've felt the "fog" lifting from my mind. I am able to actually set goals for myself during the day....things to accomplish....and I'm able to see them through. Up until now, I'd forget the littlest of things....putting something back into the refrigerator, feeding the dog, putting the toilet paper on the roll, even making myself a plate of food. I wouldn't think about it....I couldn't.....it was too much. I hadn't cooked a meal until last night. So, if the simple things were so difficult, imagine throwing myself back into the classroom. I would have been worthless.

I have a special group of kids waiting for me in January. They're all special, but I have a few in one of my classes who have really done all they could to help me through this. They've had me before, and Lord bless them - they love me. And I love them. And the fact that they may or may not be my last senior class makes it even more special. I wish I knew for sure where I will be in the near future. I'm playing it all by ear....taking it day by day. It's not up to me.....God is in control. He's made that apparent. So, I'll go wherever He leads me.....I've always followed His lead, why stop now? If I'm supposed to continue in my career....I will. If He agrees to give me my heart's desire and give us another child, I'll be overjoyed and follow the direction in which it leads. I just pray that He's leading me in the direction I so desire to go.....I just want to be a mom.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I struggle with the idea of another child. It's hard to put into words. I want Ayden back so badly...and sometimes I feel as if I wish and hope for it enough, another child will be like getting Ayden back. But realistically, I know that another child won't be Ayden.....but I guess I hope that he/she will look like him and act like him...enough so that it will be like having him back. And then, after thinking all of that, I feel selfish and unfair to my future child and feel as if God would never honor that..... Does any of that make sense? I told you, it's hard to explain. I don't feel as if God is going to be spiteful towards me. I know He hears me.....hears every plea I make....every ache that I feel - He feels....every tear that I cry - He sees it.....everytime I ask why - He probably wishes He could tell me....everytime I say - "I know you could bring him back....even now, you could....why won't you?" - He says to me, "Just believe in me, child....just believe that I'm in control." I'm so impatient, especially with Him. I'm glad He can tolerate me......

I'm thankful that today was a better day....a day that the fog was lifted just a little. Another rough day will come....many of them....and I will face those as well. The pain will stay with me forever. And I want it to. That may sound weird. I know I will miss Ayden for the rest of my life. I will never feel whole until I see him again. Joy will return. The pain will lessen with time. But he will never be far from me....because I carry him in my heart. The void will always be there, but it will be filled with our reunion with him.

If you made it this far...God bless you. Thanks for staying with me and reading my ramblings. Please continue to keep us your prayers....pray for us to find comfort in each other and the support of all of you and those around us. Pray that God's direction in our lives will be made abundantly clear. Pray for the blessing of another child - it's our deepest desire. We want to grow God's kingdom and nurture disciples for Him. Our first little disciple is already in His presence.....



  1. I don't even remember how or when I came upon your blog, but it speaks to me every day. I feel the need to check in on you and see how you're doing. I could never say that I know how you feel because I absolutely don't, but I know the love of a sweet baby boy, and it's powerful. I just know Ayden loves you and can't wait to see you again someday. Many prayers for you and your family.

  2. i went to target today and thought of you constantly. it is like i see the target sign and think of ayden, and that reminds me to pray for you guys. praying for whatever god has next for you...

  3. Lindsay,

    My name is Cassie, we've never met but a friend of mine came across your blog and posted it on my facebook account. She told me you suddenly lost your baby at 4 months old... I am so sorry to you and your husband and your families... there is nothing harder than this.
    I just wanted to tell you that I know... nobody else gets it and I get that. I lost my baby at 16 months old and if you're anything like me you'd be thinking, "well at least you got him till he was 16 months old" am I right? I don't understand it, I don't think I ever will... you never forget and your next baby will probably remind you of him a lot and it is really sad but it is all a really good thing too and totally worth it even though it can be hard at times. You will have another baby sooner than you think. I went through that too. I thought to myself all the time, "Can't you just let me get pregnant already? PLEEEEEASE???"
    There's nothing better than knowing that you're not alone... from my own experience I desperately wanted to find someone who went through exactly what I did, lost their first and only child the same way I did and at the same age... it didn't seem the same unless it was identical. I had sooo many questions to ask too... but I never really did. He was my first child. I went what felt like forever without being able to be a mom again and it was hard. I have to admit... I felt the same way you are feeling. I remember every word that you say, it's every word that I would have said. It's exactly how I still feel sometimes. It doesn't exactly get easier but the burden does start to get lighter eventually... just try to relax and try to remember that we never truly understand why something this horrible could be a good thing to help teach us and give us experience... somehow it's supposed to but I still don't understand and I'm not sure that I ever really will fully understand it all.
    My blog is www.cassieweske.blogspot.com
    Just to warn you, wish someone would have warned me... it gets hard to look at other families that have lost their one and only and see them either pregnant or with another baby already. Well... I am one. I have another baby and he is now 5 months old. His name is Kyler. My first one that we lost, his name is Kolby. I started my blog shortly after I lost him. I kind-of used it as a journal. I'm glad that I did. But anyway... I hope you get this message and if you ever feel like talkin' I'm always here and open to talk to a new friend.
    Hope you're doing ok.

  4. p.s. my email is CassieJoWeske@aol.com if you want it.

  5. I love to know that someone else doesn't make their bed either!
    Continuing to pray for you guys!

  6. with you every step of the way. Read you words, sometimes over and over. you are loved and prayed for by so many.
    Hope to see you today and one day this coming week.
    I love you.


  7. Lindsay we have never met but i have been following your blog for almost 2 months now..a friend of mine sent it to me...i am not sure why i am so happy she did you are so inspiring and dedicated to our father up above, i became a disciple a year ago in june and your life is so encouraging to me and my husband. I started a blog last night,halseyfamily09.blogspot.com if you want to look at it..Our son Jacob was very close in age to Ayden he was born May 30th 09...Please know you are in my prayers daily sometimes more than once a day! Love you sister in christ.


  8. I normally don't comment on blogs because I don't want to be that stranger who gives advice or thinks they can relate. I have followed your blog since you lost your sweet little boy. I have been encouraged by you more than you can know. I have never experienced a loss like yours and truly can not imagine how you feel daily. I have had one friend lose her daughter at 39 weeks and it was a long road for her. I would love for you to read her blog and check the post about Jaelynn's birthday in heaven she is an amazing writer and always says exactly what she is feeling (like you) her blog is www.miersmamoments.blogspot.com i do think it is private but if you do mention that I told you about it sheshould except you.She truly struggled with feeling horrible guilt about having her heart be in two places at once (heaven and earth) and feeling like all she wanted to do was be with her baby and begging the Lord for his return so she could just see her daughter again. Please don't think i am a crazy woman I was moved by your post this morning and wanted to say thank you for putting life into perspective for me and allowing those who have not experienced a loss to never take a minute forgranted. Your in my prayers and God Bless.

  9. I am glad you had a better day. There is something about cleaning that is refreshing...a sense of accomplishment. I pray for you daily,praying that God will allow you to conceive. He knows the desires of your heart-I don't think it will be long. Take care.

  10. I read the entire post...I read them all...I don't mind the rambling. You are a quite a treasure, I hope you know that.

  11. You feel free to ramble all you want girl!!

    I am praying that God blesses you with another child soon.

  12. Hey Lindsey... I don't comment on your blogs often, but I do read every single one of them. They move me and most of them make me teary or cry. I'm glad you had a better day. That decluttering you started on is a great idea! It will give you something to do and accomplish while you're waiting to go back to school in January. It might even be therapeutic for you. I pray that God will bless you with another baby soon. Of course, it's all on His watch. And His plan is going to be the best thing for you and Jeremy, whatever it may be. I can certainly understand why you'd want to stay at home with your next child. I want to stay at home with Landon so bad, it hurts! You were mentioning the sacrifices that you'd have to make in order to stay home. like not going out to eat and such. When the time comes, they won't even feel like sacrifices. Anything is possible with God. Even when you go through those "trying to make ends meet" times, God will provide!! I just admire you Lindsay. Jeremy too. You are the kind of parents that Cody and I strive to be. We're still babes in our walk with Christ. We've always loved Landon unconditionally and have always been very good parents, but we appreciate him more and realize that he is ultimately God's child -and that God can do with Landon what he wants at any time. So thank you and Jeremy for helping us to realize those things. I don't think anything you say is weird or off the wall! And when you ask if we can see where you're coming from, I sure can :) You are a grieving mother and you are entitled to feel and say anything that is on your mind and in your heart. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir b/c I'm sure you've been told these same things over and over. But these words are from me to you. Like I've said before, I'm not as eloquent a writer as you are. Just know that you're on my heart and in my mind daily. And I often see Ayden's smiling face. That is one beautiful face I will never forget. I'm not just saying this because of what happened, but I KNEW there was something special about him, especially watching him grow in his pictures. His personality was so evident way earlier than most babies. I know you are one proud Mommy :) You should be... you've got a SPECIAL little baby boy. Oh how I WISH I had met him here on earth. I can't wait to meet him in heaven :)
    Sorry my writing is like scrambled eggs, hehe. But they're from the heart :)
    Love, Lauren