A Better Day

Jeremy and I spent most of our day cleaning. I'd like to say that we covered the entire house and that everything is sparkly clean. Nope....I think we achieved getting half of the laundry done, straightening up in the kitchen, sweeping/swiffering, cleaning our bathroom, and de-cluttering (sorta) our bedroom. Our bedroom usually gets neglected most. That's where the piles and stacks can be found. If you ever visit us, you'll notice that our bedroom door stays shut....now you know why. We have a beautiful comforter set....but we rarely make the bed, so our pretty pillows don't get put on display like I would prefer. Ahhh....one day, we'll be those people who keep the house clean all the time.......maybe.

I did clean out the top drawer of my bedside table for the first time in almost 5 years......found some interesting stuff in there - one thing being the card Jeremy gave me on our first anniversary. I made sure I kept that. I also found tons of pens, and i'm always complaining that we have no pens around here. Not anymore!

Here's some more stuff I found:

- Old paycheck stubs
- Birthday cards from 3 years ago....or more
- Dr. appt. receipts - Stationary
- An eyeliner sharpener
- 4 old wallets/checkbook holders
- Medicine I was prescribed but hardly took....
- Pictures of my sister and other friends from high school
- A laminated picture of my cousin Jeannie - her bridal portrait (I used to keep it with me but switched wallets and couldn't find it - i was so happy to find it!)
- The adapter to Jeremy's massager I gave him for Christmas 3 years ago
- 2 old cell phones
- My favorite picture of myself and my freshman-year roommate, Amy

It's crazy the stuff you can find tucked away in small spaces. I threw a lot of the above stuff away, aside from pictures. I have felt the need to minimize a lot lately. I go with the idea of, "If I haven't used it/needed it for a year, it needs to go." I started this process during the few workdays I was at school this fall. Since everything has happened....I've continued to feel the need to minimize. I no longer see the need in having a lot of stuff. Because the more you have, the more you are likely to set aside and stuff into the small spaces....and then it all goes to waste. Since I want to be a stay-at-home mom, we know this will require a huge change in lifestyle for us. No more eating out, no more treats at Coldstone or Starbucks. No more just picking stuff up at Target whether we need it or not. No more elaborate gifts (on a teacher's salary, they don't get too elaborate to begin with). No more new/full-price clothes. No more letting left overs go to waste. A lot of sacrifices that are well worth letting go if it means I can stay home.

I wanted so badly to stay home with Ayden. I remember dropping him off on the first day of school and saying to him, "I wish I didn't have to leave you. I want to be with you all day." My heart was no longer with my job. My heart was with my little boy. I hate that that was my last day with him......but I'm so thankful that I got nearly four months with him....every single day....(with the exception of the four we were in CA and the week I went back to work for workdays). I wouldn't trade that time for anything...ever. Ayden showed me what I'm meant to be - a mom. I'm not saying anything against being a working mom. I remember thinking that I would be so glad once school started back because I'd miss adult interaction and conversation. Boy was I wrong. I'd take listening to Ayden "talk" to me all day over the latter. Being with him was so much more important to me. My priorities changed immediately, and nothing else mattered anymore. And when I saw that change occur in me, I knew a change in paths was going to be needed soon. I was going to work this year because i felt I had to help us make ends meet. But I'm not going to worry about that anymore. I'd rather stay at home, do without, and be happy than be at work, not putting my heart into it, wishing I was somewhere else. Hopefully, I'll have a reason for this "change of path" soon.......I pray for it every day.

For now, though, I will return to work in January and get back to my classroom. I couldn't miss out on the kids that I'll have in January. I hate that I'm missing out on the students in my class now, and I hope they understand why I can't come back just yet. However, I'm glad I'm giving myself the time to get my mindset back to where it needs to be in order to get back into that role. It hasn't been until recently that I've felt the "fog" lifting from my mind. I am able to actually set goals for myself during the day....things to accomplish....and I'm able to see them through. Up until now, I'd forget the littlest of things....putting something back into the refrigerator, feeding the dog, putting the toilet paper on the roll, even making myself a plate of food. I wouldn't think about it....I couldn't.....it was too much. I hadn't cooked a meal until last night. So, if the simple things were so difficult, imagine throwing myself back into the classroom. I would have been worthless.

I have a special group of kids waiting for me in January. They're all special, but I have a few in one of my classes who have really done all they could to help me through this. They've had me before, and Lord bless them - they love me. And I love them. And the fact that they may or may not be my last senior class makes it even more special. I wish I knew for sure where I will be in the near future. I'm playing it all by ear....taking it day by day. It's not up to me.....God is in control. He's made that apparent. So, I'll go wherever He leads me.....I've always followed His lead, why stop now? If I'm supposed to continue in my career....I will. If He agrees to give me my heart's desire and give us another child, I'll be overjoyed and follow the direction in which it leads. I just pray that He's leading me in the direction I so desire to go.....I just want to be a mom.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I struggle with the idea of another child. It's hard to put into words. I want Ayden back so badly...and sometimes I feel as if I wish and hope for it enough, another child will be like getting Ayden back. But realistically, I know that another child won't be Ayden.....but I guess I hope that he/she will look like him and act like him...enough so that it will be like having him back. And then, after thinking all of that, I feel selfish and unfair to my future child and feel as if God would never honor that..... Does any of that make sense? I told you, it's hard to explain. I don't feel as if God is going to be spiteful towards me. I know He hears me.....hears every plea I make....every ache that I feel - He feels....every tear that I cry - He sees it.....everytime I ask why - He probably wishes He could tell me....everytime I say - "I know you could bring him back....even now, you could....why won't you?" - He says to me, "Just believe in me, child....just believe that I'm in control." I'm so impatient, especially with Him. I'm glad He can tolerate me......

I'm thankful that today was a better day....a day that the fog was lifted just a little. Another rough day will come....many of them....and I will face those as well. The pain will stay with me forever. And I want it to. That may sound weird. I know I will miss Ayden for the rest of my life. I will never feel whole until I see him again. Joy will return. The pain will lessen with time. But he will never be far from me....because I carry him in my heart. The void will always be there, but it will be filled with our reunion with him.

If you made it this far...God bless you. Thanks for staying with me and reading my ramblings. Please continue to keep us your prayers....pray for us to find comfort in each other and the support of all of you and those around us. Pray that God's direction in our lives will be made abundantly clear. Pray for the blessing of another child - it's our deepest desire. We want to grow God's kingdom and nurture disciples for Him. Our first little disciple is already in His presence.....