It isn't ending...

This week has been hard. Probably one of the hardest so far. The pain has grown stronger this week, and I feel like it will continue to grow. I was speaking with a good friend of mine today. She has a way of making me feel okay with being very real...so when I talk to her, I'm very honest. So, when she asked me how I was doing, I knew she didn't expect me to say, "Okay"....so I told her that this week had been harder for some reason, but I couldn't pinpoint why. She shared with me how she felt around thie time when her mom passed away. She put the words right into my mouth. Her description was this: "At the beginning, it's like it isn't real...like it's just a bad dream that will be over soon. Then you start to realize, it isn't ending..."

"It isn't ending."

That's exactly where I am. I just miss him so badly...the void is so deep and it hurts so much. At first, I think I was numb...my mind just kind of shut off because I didn't want to accept it all. But now, I'm being forced to accept it, and I fight that acceptance every day. It's almost as if I feel like if I push against it enough, it'll all change and he'll be back here.

Everywhere I go, I'm reminded. I went to Target with my sister today. It's huge for me to go to Target...it is very straining on me. I bet every pregnant woman in Greenville was there today. I watched them, smiling...so full of joy...and I thought, "I used to feel that happy. I used to be that excited." I was glad for them, but then reality also came to me and I thought, "One of them might be in my shoes a few months from now." To some, that may be a dark thought, but it's my reality...and sadly, it will be another family's reality.

There are people who get me out of the house each week. I'm so thankful for them. Because if they didn't, I probably wouldn't get out of the bed. I wouldn't be all down and depressed all day, but I just wouldn't be motivated. So, thank you...you know who you are. You are helping me move forward...

Today, I went with my former high school teacher, Mrs. Boykin, to a recording session for her upcoming Christmas CD. It was really interesting. I really enjoyed see the process behind all that goes into it. Plus, I love to hear her sing, so I soaked it all in...wish it could have lasted longer. But, we're going back again to finish the CD...looking forward to that.

My thoughts are fizzling...so I guess I'd better end this one. I stumbled across this song today when I was having one of my increasingly frequent moments, and of course it made me cry, but I needed to receive the message it sends. When I get really upset, I forget that Ayden is not hurting, that he's not crying, he's not missing me....I'm upset because I need him so much more than he needs me right now. God seems to send me reminders when I need them, and this was one:

You Wouldn't Cry - Mandisa

All you saw was pain

All you saw was rain

But you should see me now

Moments filled with tears

Lasted all those years

Disappeared somehow

You never said goodbye

On your knees you cry

You’re still asking why, but

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There’s a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn’t cry for me today

What you think you see

Isn’t really me

I’m already home

You’ve got to lay it down

‘Cause Jesus holds me now

And I am not alone

Your faith is wearing thin

But I am watching Him

And He’s holding you too, and

Chorus

What may seem like years

will just be a moment

Oh, the day will come when

I’ll show you where you’re going

I can’t wait to show you that

Chorus

(1 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)

Behind the Song:“You Wouldn’t Cry” is probably my favorite song on this album and it is a tribute to a little boy named Andrew who was stillborn in his mother’s womb, Rebecca. It’s a fan that I met and to be able to honor her and to be able to honor Andrew’s memory with this song means the world to me and I also believe it will encourage people who have lost loved ones recently to let them know that your loved one, if they have a relationship with Jesus Christ, is in a far better place than we could ever imagine." - Mandisa