It isn't ending...

This week has been hard. Probably one of the hardest so far. The pain has grown stronger this week, and I feel like it will continue to grow. I was speaking with a good friend of mine today. She has a way of making me feel okay with being very when I talk to her, I'm very honest. So, when she asked me how I was doing, I knew she didn't expect me to say, "Okay" I told her that this week had been harder for some reason, but I couldn't pinpoint why. She shared with me how she felt around thie time when her mom passed away. She put the words right into my mouth. Her description was this: "At the beginning, it's like it isn't it's just a bad dream that will be over soon. Then you start to realize, it isn't ending..."

"It isn't ending."

That's exactly where I am. I just miss him so badly...the void is so deep and it hurts so much. At first, I think I was mind just kind of shut off because I didn't want to accept it all. But now, I'm being forced to accept it, and I fight that acceptance every day. It's almost as if I feel like if I push against it enough, it'll all change and he'll be back here.

Everywhere I go, I'm reminded. I went to Target with my sister today. It's huge for me to go to is very straining on me. I bet every pregnant woman in Greenville was there today. I watched them, full of joy...and I thought, "I used to feel that happy. I used to be that excited." I was glad for them, but then reality also came to me and I thought, "One of them might be in my shoes a few months from now." To some, that may be a dark thought, but it's my reality...and sadly, it will be another family's reality.

There are people who get me out of the house each week. I'm so thankful for them. Because if they didn't, I probably wouldn't get out of the bed. I wouldn't be all down and depressed all day, but I just wouldn't be motivated. So, thank know who you are. You are helping me move forward...

Today, I went with my former high school teacher, Mrs. Boykin, to a recording session for her upcoming Christmas CD. It was really interesting. I really enjoyed see the process behind all that goes into it. Plus, I love to hear her sing, so I soaked it all in...wish it could have lasted longer. But, we're going back again to finish the CD...looking forward to that.

My thoughts are I guess I'd better end this one. I stumbled across this song today when I was having one of my increasingly frequent moments, and of course it made me cry, but I needed to receive the message it sends. When I get really upset, I forget that Ayden is not hurting, that he's not crying, he's not missing me....I'm upset because I need him so much more than he needs me right now. God seems to send me reminders when I need them, and this was one:

You Wouldn't Cry - Mandisa
All you saw was pain
All you saw was rain
But you should see me now
Moments filled with tears
Lasted all those years
Disappeared somehow
You never said goodbye
On your knees you cry
You’re still asking why, but
Blue has never been bluer
True has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet
There’s a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise
A rose has never smelled redder
The sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say
If you could look at my face
If you could just see this place
You wouldn’t cry for me today
What you think you see
Isn’t really me
I’m already home
You’ve got to lay it down
‘Cause Jesus holds me now
And I am not alone
Your faith is wearing thin
But I am watching Him
And He’s holding you too, and
What may seem like years
will just be a moment
Oh, the day will come when
I’ll show you where you’re going
I can’t wait to show you that
(1 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)
Behind the Song:“You Wouldn’t Cry” is probably my favorite song on this album and it is a tribute to a little boy named Andrew who was stillborn in his mother’s womb, Rebecca. It’s a fan that I met and to be able to honor her and to be able to honor Andrew’s memory with this song means the world to me and I also believe it will encourage people who have lost loved ones recently to let them know that your loved one, if they have a relationship with Jesus Christ, is in a far better place than we could ever imagine." - Mandisa


  1. I know the place you're at now, I'm so sorry Lindsay. I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. Please just know I think of you, Jeremy and sweet little Ayden everyday, several times a day!

    I promise you will not feel this much pain forever, I promise. I know it feels like "it isn't ending", but the pain WILL end one day, it will. You will miss Ayden forever, of course, and will forever be sad at times, but NOTHING like the pain you feel right now, nothing. This is not the rest of your life!

    I wish the pain could be taken away from you and Jeremy right now!!! I also wish I could mail you a hug.

    I love the three of you, and I am thinking and praying for you!
    You are not alone - Kelley, Grayson's mom forever

  2. I'm sorry I'm such a wuss. I wish I had better words than the ones I used today when we spoke at church.

    The Averys love you.

  3. Lindsay,

    I am so sorry that the past week has been hard. I am thankful that your friend was able to understand what you are feeling and describe it.

    And I am thankful for Kelley's words, no promise, that you will not feel this way forever.

    I love you

  4. I'm sorry you are in that place too.

    Everyone says what Kelley said above. I'm still right here in this battle with you so I can't really say what she said yet but I hold out hope that one day I can.

    Thinking of you and your husband during this difficult time.